Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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A sleepy weekend

I got some sleep this weekend and it really felt good.  I think I’ve been operating on less sleep than I need – and I’m not sure why I’m not getting enough.  I am not staying up particularly late.  Maybe it is the QUALITY that is the problem.  Whatever the problem is, I need to figure it out and fix it.  I cannot sleep in both days every weekend.  Nor can I go to bed at 9 pm every night.  Sigh.

Anyway, the increased sleep has helped me feel better.  I still have the same issues I’ve had recently (go figure – sleep helps a lot of things but it doesn’t FIX problems) but I think perhaps I have the energy to face things a little better now.  I’ve got to make sure I make getting a good night’s sleep a higher priority.

What else is going on?  I think we’ve gotten through the flurry of doctors/dentists/ orthopedic doctor appointments that we have every so often.  We should be good for a while.  That makes me happy because (a) who likes to wait in doctor’s offices? and (b) I shouldn’t have to ask for help with schedules and watching children so much for a while now.  I really don’t like asking for help; it makes me feel vulnerable and I also feel like I’m imposing on people.

I had a bit of a surprise this week at work that has left me…speechless, for lack of a better description.  My supervisor gave me a hard copy of my “goals” for 2016 – I don’t know how to explain them because they are broad, very broad.  I really don’t care for the system that our company uses for goals but, as an analyst, I wasn’t consulted (LOL).  Anyway, part of the goals included a section of “competencies”, with both positives (things I do well) and negatives (areas that need improvement).  I was shocked at the negatives; they were so negative that I really think I have to rethink my position at the company.  They really came out of left field.  For example, one of the “competencies” was Integrity and Trust; one of the negatives said that I may not be viewed as a team player, and that I might be viewed at only out for myself.  Seriously?  How on earth could anyone have EVER arrived at that?  I don’t talk to the people I work with enough for them to have that view of me.  I always help when asked; I cannot think of a single time I said no.  Do I need to be more proactive?  Oh yes.  Am I a team player?  To the best of my ability.

There were more, of a similar nature.  Just completely blindsided me.  I’m stunned.  And this is after I got a decent review for 2015.  I’m just beside myself.  Unfortunately, I’m also 46 and looking at the possibility of being denied a chance at a job due to my age.  Yeah, I know places say they don’t age-discriminate, but they do nonetheless.  I don’t know what to do now.  I suppose I poke around and see what’s out there.  I don’t have to leave the job I have now until I can find something else.  Still….I hate this feeling of being ambushed.

Well I suppose there is always something going on in life.  Life is full of changes; maybe this is just time for me to change jobs.  I’ve got to think about this carefully.


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I swear she could get to school faster by horseback

Well, summer school starts tomorrow for our little princess.  It seems that the school system, in its infinite wisdom, put her and the other special needs students in the school absolutely farthest from our home.  Of course, to be honest, it could be near the other students…but I’m thinking about all this from our daughter’s perspective.  She will get on the bus at 6:40 am tomorrow … to be at school by 8 am.  Sigh.  Se will leave school at 11 – and the driver says she should be home by 12 N.  Lovely.  All I can say is that it is a good thing that she thinks school buses are the best things EVER.  I bet she sleeps all the way home.

Really, as much as the school choice annoys me and worries me, I do have to say that our school system has been VERY good for our children.  They do have their issues (we have to watch out for cutting costs just for the idea of cutting costs, regardless of the impact on the student)…but they have made a TREMENDOUS difference to both of our children.  I am grateful for all that they’ve done.  My son went from being literally speechless (speech-delayed) to talking up a storm and reading way above grade-level and being GREAT at math.  My daughter is making efforts to communicate her wants/needs (not through speech, but STILL huge) and is starting do other things we were wondering if she would ever do.  She is much better with eye contact and affection and playing with others.  The difference in both children is completely wonderful.

Still…6:40 am?  Really?  Sigh.


At a loss for words

Well.  I am just speechless.  After all that we’ve been through with our daughter who has Lennox-Gastaut Syndrome, it amazes me that what has (temporarily) derailed me is the “label” that the school is using for my son (who is 6) – we had IEP meetings for both children this week and they said that they consider him on the autism spectrum.

Amazing to me that I’ve done what I’ve needed to, mostly, facing her medical issues but this…this just really pushed me under.  It has taken three days for me to get a grip on myself and stop feeling so sad.  I don’t know why this affected me so badly.  Perhaps it is just that this is the latest in a long string of issues.  That my body is well and truly exhausted.

We also found out that our daughter may have a second, rare syndrome – Rett Syndrome.  That too has been depressing, though I realize that we just had the blood work done, with the doctor’s request for genetic testing for Rett.

Things really have been coming at us thick and fast over the past two weeks.  I am just so tired.