Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


2 Comments

The world didn’t stop…but it should have

Sigh.  I know that this is part of life but it sucks.  My father left me a message Thursday that he needed to set an appointment for a time to talk when we wouldn’t be interrupted.  He said if it sounded ominous, it was.  That really started my imagination working overtime.  I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) so it takes very little to make me extremely anxious – needless to say, this made me so anxious I wanted to throw up.

Really, now that we’ve talked, I don’t feel any better.  Ugh.  He has stage 4 lung cancer – stage 4 due to his lymph nodes being involved.

Numb. Then so sad.  Then numb.  Then nauseated.  Then numb.  Then I want to curl up with my fuzzy blanket and cry.  And I’m 44.  I’m having trouble processing it all.

 


Leave a comment

Good days and bad

This is one of those times I can’t explain the problem.  It has been a lovely weekend.  We got a lot done.  We had nice family time.  We had a nice visit with my husband’s cousin who was in from the West Coast.  All was well.  I even had time out of the house yesterday, time for quiet and for myself.  The weather was absolutely perfect – warm and breezy, not humid.

So why do I feel so down?  There is nothing that I can put my finger on, aside from missing a friend that I don’t see any more.  I wish that I would cry and get this out of my system.  I feel like I need to cry, like a sadness around the edges.  I can’t figure this out myself – how could I even begin to tell my husband or anyone else what’s going on?

Part of this may be my family.  My mother and stepfather both have been starting to make little digs at me again.  It is hard to take.  I can limit my exposure to an extent but not completely.  And it makes me sad to think that I need to limit my exposure to a parent.  That’s not how things are supposed to work.  And yes, I know I’m old enough to realize that sometimes things don’t work they way you expect.  Sigh.  I will work my way out of this – I think it just caught me by surprise that they could get to me anymore.  Well, they did use the perfect target – my children.  Say anything you want about me – don’t start in on my children.

Ugh.  You can pick your friends, but family you get whether you like it or not.


Leave a comment

Sick, sick, sick

I’m off to read soon.  Seems the cold I’ve had for a while now (thanks to school starting and weather changing) is getting worse, not better.  Well, at the least, it is lingering.  I have no doubt that recent stresses and losses and tough choices have played a part in it; I just wonder if it will clear up now.  Sigh.

Sick and tired – of being sick, and tired.

On the bright side, this weekend I will be spending time with two wonderful “girl” friends – and relaxing and enjoying wine in the sun!  That should fix me right up!  That’s right, there is a wine festival and town and the girls are having girls’ day/night out!  Yay!