Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


Pulling myself together…again

How to do this?  I don’t get it.  I keep trying.  I keep trying to get myself back on track and out of this depression.  This is an incredible fight – and it is absolutely exhausting.  I am doing everything that I know how to do to get back to a functional, productive state…and I keep backsliding.  It is so frustrating.

I need to eat better, and drink less coffee.  I need better sleep – and I think both of those will help with the third.  It is certainly harder to stay positive when you are tired.  And when you know you’re not taking care of yourself.

I need more exercise and more time outside.  A little bit of sunshine might help as well (I do have to watch how MUCH sunshine, but some would be good).  I’m going to go for a long walk in botanical gardens today.  That is a good first step.

I need to focus on gratitude again.  I think I have lost sight of how much I do truly have to be grateful for; I have problems, but they could be so much worse.

I need to remember my goals and focus on them again.  Maybe putting one foot in front of the other will help me get moving toward my goals again.


Words to remember…

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap … but by the seeds you plant 

Robert Louis Stevenson

I really need to remember this.  I’m afraid today was not one of my best days.  I know that I shouldn’t beat myself up over it, but I do feel bad that I was irritable with my children this morning.  I need to remember that what I do and say makes an impression and if I am too tired, then I need to take steps to keep it from happening again.  I need to do better.  I love my children and I want them to have happy memories of childhood – not memories of a grouchy Mommy.  Sigh.

Well, now I know what I need to do.  I’m not going to kick myself for my failures today, but I am going to do what I need to do to make sure I have a better start tomorrow: go to bed earlier.  Yes, I’ll have to sacrifice the only time I have to myself during the day (which is hard) but that’s part of parenting.



I just had a sudden break-through that is actually a little frightening.  One of my goals is to learn to ask for help when I need it.  Ok.  I have recognized that I have a problem in this area.  That is a good first step.  But today – in fact, just a few minutes ago – I realized just how much of a problem I have with this in my life.

I was sitting at my computer and thinking how grateful I was that my husband went to the store today.  I really was dreading it.  Then it hit me.  He’s my husband.  Why shouldn’t I ask him to help me when I’m struggling?  When I decided on my goal, I hadn’t even been thinking of my husband.  I’ve been married for years (over 10); why has it taken me so long to realize that I can and should ask him for help?  Why is it so hard for me to ask for help?  I think I’m afraid to appear “vulnerable”.  It is really sad that I don’t even want to appear vulnerable to my husband.  Really.

I think I’ve got motivation now to seek counseling as soon as we are in a better financial situation.  I think that I have issues that I need to explore.

And yes, I’m going to ask for help now when I realize that I’m struggling.  It is ok to do that, particularly when people want to help me.