Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


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Pulling myself together…again

How to do this?  I don’t get it.  I keep trying.  I keep trying to get myself back on track and out of this depression.  This is an incredible fight – and it is absolutely exhausting.  I am doing everything that I know how to do to get back to a functional, productive state…and I keep backsliding.  It is so frustrating.

I need to eat better, and drink less coffee.  I need better sleep – and I think both of those will help with the third.  It is certainly harder to stay positive when you are tired.  And when you know you’re not taking care of yourself.

I need more exercise and more time outside.  A little bit of sunshine might help as well (I do have to watch how MUCH sunshine, but some would be good).  I’m going to go for a long walk in botanical gardens today.  That is a good first step.

I need to focus on gratitude again.  I think I have lost sight of how much I do truly have to be grateful for; I have problems, but they could be so much worse.

I need to remember my goals and focus on them again.  Maybe putting one foot in front of the other will help me get moving toward my goals again.


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Words to remember…

Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap … but by the seeds you plant 

Robert Louis Stevenson

I really need to remember this.  I’m afraid today was not one of my best days.  I know that I shouldn’t beat myself up over it, but I do feel bad that I was irritable with my children this morning.  I need to remember that what I do and say makes an impression and if I am too tired, then I need to take steps to keep it from happening again.  I need to do better.  I love my children and I want them to have happy memories of childhood – not memories of a grouchy Mommy.  Sigh.

Well, now I know what I need to do.  I’m not going to kick myself for my failures today, but I am going to do what I need to do to make sure I have a better start tomorrow: go to bed earlier.  Yes, I’ll have to sacrifice the only time I have to myself during the day (which is hard) but that’s part of parenting.


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Epiphany!

I just had a sudden break-through that is actually a little frightening.  One of my goals is to learn to ask for help when I need it.  Ok.  I have recognized that I have a problem in this area.  That is a good first step.  But today – in fact, just a few minutes ago – I realized just how much of a problem I have with this in my life.

I was sitting at my computer and thinking how grateful I was that my husband went to the store today.  I really was dreading it.  Then it hit me.  He’s my husband.  Why shouldn’t I ask him to help me when I’m struggling?  When I decided on my goal, I hadn’t even been thinking of my husband.  I’ve been married for years (over 10); why has it taken me so long to realize that I can and should ask him for help?  Why is it so hard for me to ask for help?  I think I’m afraid to appear “vulnerable”.  It is really sad that I don’t even want to appear vulnerable to my husband.  Really.

I think I’ve got motivation now to seek counseling as soon as we are in a better financial situation.  I think that I have issues that I need to explore.

And yes, I’m going to ask for help now when I realize that I’m struggling.  It is ok to do that, particularly when people want to help me.