Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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I feel as if I am trapped between worlds, belonging in neither.  I have a special needs child.  My friends who don’t don’t include me any more, yet my daughter is mobile and relatively healthy despite her special needs.  I don’t feel as if I really fit in with other special needs parents.    I don’t know why I feel this way; it isn’t as if I have been asked to leave a group.  I just feel neither one nor the other.

The question is, I suppose, “Have I really accepted that she is special needs?”  I think that I have.  She is 10 years old, but more like 2 years old developmentally.  She has a rare, severe form of epilepsy so yes, her condition is life-threatening.  She is in special education and has been since she was 2 (well, it started as early intervention).

So why do I feel as if I don’t fit in with other special needs parents?  I don’t really know.  But I hate this feeling of being alone, of being isolated.  I guess in part I want my “friends” who have non-special needs kids to come back, to welcome me.  Typing that out, I have to say that I think I need better friends if they were so quick to abandon me.

At any rate, right now I feel alone and that I’m a misfit.  And that really stinks because I felt like that in high school and that was enough of that.  I didn’t think that would develop again as a parent.




Well now it HAS been a while hasn’t it

I just realized that it has been more than a month since I made any attempt at an entry.  Wow.  What can I say?  My son is now considered autistic (probably Asperger’s) and my husband is suffering from social anxiety.

Seriously?  If anyone had told me that my life would turn out this way, I’d probably have run off and joined the circus much earlier in life.  Sigh.

Every time I think I have a grasp on things, something new springs up.  It is like fixing holes in a dam with my fingers.

All in all, I think I am doing fairly well.  I’ve survived most of the summer…and so have the children.  I will admit that I may take the day off the first day of school and go play on the beach with a margarita…but still.  I’m still here, mostly sane, and only tired 23 of the 24 hours in the day…

I think that the work that my husband and I are doing on our marriage is helping with his social anxiety.  Well, more to the point, I think the improvements in our relationship are helping him COPE with his SAD better.  I truly didn’t realize that his issues went beyond typical geeky shyness, but it does.  Sigh.  I’m trying to help a much as I can, and do the things that are simply too painful for him, but honestly, I really, REALLY need a vacation.  Coastline