Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


The world didn’t stop…but it should have

Sigh.  I know that this is part of life but it sucks.  My father left me a message Thursday that he needed to set an appointment for a time to talk when we wouldn’t be interrupted.  He said if it sounded ominous, it was.  That really started my imagination working overtime.  I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) so it takes very little to make me extremely anxious – needless to say, this made me so anxious I wanted to throw up.

Really, now that we’ve talked, I don’t feel any better.  Ugh.  He has stage 4 lung cancer – stage 4 due to his lymph nodes being involved.

Numb. Then so sad.  Then numb.  Then nauseated.  Then numb.  Then I want to curl up with my fuzzy blanket and cry.  And I’m 44.  I’m having trouble processing it all.



Not to be ungrateful


My mother told me she would be here for the kids at 1:30 – to take them to a water park.  She said she’d keep them for dinner, so that my husband and I could go out.  I thought all of that was just lovely.  I’d get some peace and quiet in the house and be able to accomplish some things free of children and have dinner with my husband.

Well, at 1:18 she called and said, “We are almost home.  We are going to stop for a few minutes, then we will be on our way.”  That was close enough – sounded good to me.  And there was not another peep out of them.  This is my mother – who adores the telephone.  I am fairly certain she was born with one attached to her ear.

I entertained my kids as best I could – my son already knew he was supposed to be going to Grandma’s and the water park.  I walked with them, I walked them to the neighborhood park for a bit, I kept close to home because, well…they would be right there.

2:00.  2:30.  3:00…the irritation began building.  My mother has her own “time” in our family but this was beyond normal.  The family always tells her a family event will be 30 minutes later than it actually will be in an attempt to have her arrive close to on time.  This was not the normal thing.

Twenty minutes to four…she and my step-father show up.  They had called 15 minutes earlier to say they were just leaving the house.  When they get to our house, she tells me that Dad had ordered a replacement for the glass plate in the microwave and they had had to drive to a neighboring city to pick it up.  It took three hours.

When I pointed out that I could have taken the kids to the park had I known how long they would actually be, she just stopped and looked at me.  Then she said, “It is what it is.”

It is a long story, but I am QUITE certain that my stepfather is behind this.  He is incredibly jealous of any time my mother spends with me or my children.  He is much like a toddler in many ways – sad to say about a 70+ year old man.

I loved him at one point, but lost all respect for him over the years.  He has gotten in my face and called me a slut.  He has made vicious little verbal digs to me, when nobody is within hearing distance (with one notable exception that I think I wrote about but cannot remember at the moment – my mother-in-law and her twin heard it and were horrified).  He is vicious to my mother at times, even in public, always acting as if he’s joking.  If he is, it is always the world’s worst joke.  I’m over it.  I’m over the jealousy, the games, the attacks.

In addition, he knows the issues I had growing up getting my father to be there when he said he would.  He knows that there were many weekends when I would wait for my father to get me, only to be disappointed.  I’m not letting this happen to the next generation.  My son has other grandfathers.  I will not let him continue this.

I hate to be ungrateful for the help they provide with our children, but I think the price is too high.

Leave a comment

Wonderful visit with my father

My father and stepmother came into town Friday from Alabama (Ghost Creek Falls, if you want to check out their place on Facebook…it is fantastic).  We have had a wonderful, wonderful visit despite my recent misadventures.   We had ordered in Friday night and sat around visiting and catching up.  Our son was delighted by the fact that he got to go to his first Grandma’s house (my in-laws’ home) to sleep over with Granny and Granddaddy too – my parents were staying with Andy’s …so nice when they all get along!

Saturday was kind of drizzly so we stayed in and my stepmother made THE BEST broccoli-cheese soup and salad, with peach cobbler and brownies for dessert.  I think for the most part we visited and the kids played with Granny and Granddaddy.

Today was nicer – slightly.  No rain, but high 50s at best.  The day started off with what my son called a “donut party” – my father-in-law cooked bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, two kinds of toast, and put out fruit.  After we filled up on that, the donuts and pastries were brought out…sigh.  It was fantastic.  We sat around catching up some more, and watching my daughter run around the fenced in back yard – one of the few places she can run freely so she ADORES it.  After that, my father and I went to the Children’s Museum in Portsmouth – a wonderful place to go and spend a couple of hours on a nippy day.  I sat and rocked in some rockers, took a couple of pictures, and read some books.  My son and father spent several hours exploring together.  We went home to a wonderful roast and vegetables, plus collards, English peas, and squash, plus the desserts from yesterday.  I swear from all of the eating today, I shouldn’t need to eat for a week, but it was so much fun to visit and have family time around the table.