Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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Finding meaning in life

I’ve realized that I am seeking some meaning in all of the things that I have gone through over the past eight years.  Really, me and all of my family, to be more accurate.  If I can find some purpose, some meaning, some way of using my experiences to help others, I believe that it will all be bearable.

So…now to think of what I have learned through my experiences, to share what I’ve experienced and what I have come out of the storm knowing.  Maybe it will help others.  Maybe it will help me just to share.  Maybe it will do both.


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Having a wonderful visit…

I’m having a wonderful visit with family this weekend, really the first in a long while.  The last few visits have been marred by stress about dealing with my stepfather and my baby daughter not sleeping well.  This time things seem to have improved.

Well, I guess I should clarify.  The first night my daughter (8 months) slept about 8 hours total – not all in a row either.  My total sleep over the course of the night was about 5 hours (not in a row, unfortunately!).  Last night was a vast improvement, despite the fact that I was completely paranoid about the possibility of her waking up.  I actually got a good night of sleep!

As for my stepfather, this visit is improved because I’ve not been around him much.  Add that to the fact that for the first time in a very long time I’ve been free to visit with my mother alone (well, without him) and you’ve got the makings of a good visit.  It has been so wonderful to be able to freely talk with my mother and to see her freely enjoying time with her grandchildren.  It seems like most visits, my stepfather finds reasons to keep her away from them – not this time.  Yay!

It has been a relaxed visit, which has been good for me and my husband, as well as all of the family.  We’ve had wonderful home-cooked meals, rather than trying to rush around eating out or visiting a lot of folks over meals at restaurants.  It has been a slower pace and that has been great.  My husband has managed to get out two nights now to see friends (and his brother), which is great for him.

I am beginning to see that there are two things that I need more of in my life and both of them surprise me.  I need family visits more than I thought.  I’ve been pretty independent since I was in my late teens.  When my husband and I moved to the northern part of the state about 4 hours away from family, I never looked back.  I never experienced homesickness.  Now, I’m finding that I want a better relationship with my mother.  I want to see my aunts and uncles a bit more.  Maybe it is the fact that I’m a mother now.  I don’t know – but it is an interesting change after all these years.

The second thing that I’ve noticed that surprises me is that  I need to get out among people.  I am an introvert and generally speaking, I’m happy at home.  Working in offices stresses me and I used to go home and just try to shut out the world.  Well, I’ve been a homemaker for about 4 years now (also a college student for 3 of those years).  Since I stopped taking college classes, I’ve been pretty isolated.  I realize now that I do need contact with the outside world.  I’ve been out of classes for two semesters and I am ready to get back in touch with the world.  My friends and I are starting to get back together – for now, it is once a month – and it means more to me than I can say.  I think I’m going to put more effort into finding a play group or a Mom’s group to join.

Of course, I am trying to find a job.  When I get one, that will certainly change my contact with the world situation.  We shall see if I approach it differently now that I’ve been out of things for so long.

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Sudden realization: there isn’t enough fun in my life

I know that it is necessary to, well, work for things that you want. I know that there is a lot of work involved in life, but you know, I realized recently that I need to have more fun in my life. I feel like I’m just waiting….waiting…waiting…for something. Waiting for my husband to get a job. Waiting for a job for myself. Waiting to go back to school. Waiting to see what is going on with my son. Waiting to get over a cold – the second of this winter, which is highly unusual for me. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And stressing, stressing, stressing. Everything about my life is up in the air right now. Yes, I am looking for work. Yes, it is possible I will have to sell my townhouse and move out of the area. Yes, it looks like I’m going to lose my insurance in a month. Yes, my husband is having trouble getting work and is as depressed as I am.

Surely in the midst of this I can find a way to have SOME fun. I have two children. I should be able to enjoy some of these early days, even under these circumstances.  I feel somewhat childish saying, “I wanna have some fun” but I need some relief from (a) the grey winter days and (b) the stresses of my life.    I read a book almost cover to cover today (a mystery by Andrew Greeley) for fun and it felt so very, very good.  I loved every word of the book.  I read it while I held my daughter as she slept; it was nice just to stop everything else, hold her, and enjoy a book.  I need to find a way to do this more seriously in my life right now.  I thought I had been, but I think I’ve been rushing through that as well – not taking good enough care of myself through these tough times.   I think I’m falling back into old patterns of neglecting myself in tough times.