Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


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The world didn’t stop…but it should have

Sigh.  I know that this is part of life but it sucks.  My father left me a message Thursday that he needed to set an appointment for a time to talk when we wouldn’t be interrupted.  He said if it sounded ominous, it was.  That really started my imagination working overtime.  I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) so it takes very little to make me extremely anxious – needless to say, this made me so anxious I wanted to throw up.

Really, now that we’ve talked, I don’t feel any better.  Ugh.  He has stage 4 lung cancer – stage 4 due to his lymph nodes being involved.

Numb. Then so sad.  Then numb.  Then nauseated.  Then numb.  Then I want to curl up with my fuzzy blanket and cry.  And I’m 44.  I’m having trouble processing it all.

 


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Good days and bad

This is one of those times I can’t explain the problem.  It has been a lovely weekend.  We got a lot done.  We had nice family time.  We had a nice visit with my husband’s cousin who was in from the West Coast.  All was well.  I even had time out of the house yesterday, time for quiet and for myself.  The weather was absolutely perfect – warm and breezy, not humid.

So why do I feel so down?  There is nothing that I can put my finger on, aside from missing a friend that I don’t see any more.  I wish that I would cry and get this out of my system.  I feel like I need to cry, like a sadness around the edges.  I can’t figure this out myself – how could I even begin to tell my husband or anyone else what’s going on?

Part of this may be my family.  My mother and stepfather both have been starting to make little digs at me again.  It is hard to take.  I can limit my exposure to an extent but not completely.  And it makes me sad to think that I need to limit my exposure to a parent.  That’s not how things are supposed to work.  And yes, I know I’m old enough to realize that sometimes things don’t work they way you expect.  Sigh.  I will work my way out of this – I think it just caught me by surprise that they could get to me anymore.  Well, they did use the perfect target – my children.  Say anything you want about me – don’t start in on my children.

Ugh.  You can pick your friends, but family you get whether you like it or not.


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I’m a mother with two small children…

I’m a mother with two small children, so I don’t take as much crap as I used to.

Pamela Anderson

 

This really speaks to me right now. I’ve discovered a new backbone, one might say, since I had my two children.  I don’t know if it is simply that I’m too tired to put up with excessive silliness or pointless wastes of time, or that I’ve actually grown, but the end result is that I just don’t tolerate it anymore.  Well, my tolerance level for it is much, much lower now.  I’m not rude about it; I just simply stand up and say, “You know what?  That’s about enough of that!”

I’ve started drawing boundaries with my mother and stepfather, who seem bound and determined to drive me mad.  I swear it is just like having children; they’ve pushed me and pushed me and pushed me, like children trying to found out just how much they can get away with.  It is a wonderful thing to discover that I can indeed say, “Hey, enough!  This isn’t good for me and it is going to stop”, even to my parents.  Not only is the new me good for my mental health – it is giving me more self-respect.