Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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So tired…

I’ve been too tied up with recent events to post like I wanted to.  There was so much I wanted to do with this blog – now I wonder how I’ll ever manage to keep it going.  Sigh.

I have gone back to work, I’m living with my in-laws, I have moved away from my friends so I’m lonely, I have a one- and a three-year-old, and my husband is currently traveling weekends back to our townhouse in preparation for our final move (this weekend) and closing a week from tomorrow.

Things are improving – but slowly.  I wonder how – or if – I’ll adjust to my new life.  I wonder if I’ll ever have time to blog, time to play games, time to unwind.  (Why yes, I am a bit tired, why do you ask?  I’m afraid I do tend to look at things a bit … negatively … when I’m tired. Maybe tomorrow will bring a better perspective.)


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Living with others – a bit of venting

I’ve moved in with my parents-in-law.  It has been a week now.  My husband will be joining me (and our kids) but he’s getting our townhouse ready to sell.  This is an adventure.  I do love my parents-in-law, but I’ve never lived with anyone else – not since I was a teen.  As an adult, I’ve lived on my own or with my husband – that’s it.  This is going to be educational, I can already tell.

It doesn’t help that I’m tired.  That I’m worried about the way our lives are going.  That I have NO clue what I’m doing.  That I’m just trying to get a job, any job – in a field that I hate.  I just want to get on a better track and get on with trying to solve all of the issues going on right now.  Really, I suppose I need to slow down and take a problem or two at a time, not all of them at once.  Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

One thing I will say:  if someone has had their life crash about their ears, their children both have health issues, and their marriage is strained, telling them (a) it could be worse, (b) well, none of those things are life-threatening, or (c) I know someone with more problems … really, that doesn’t help.  I have begun to feel guilty for having a hard time dealing with my life right now.  That’s ridiculous.  The difficulties of others does not make my life less stressful, less difficult.  It doesn’t make it any easier to watch my daughter have seizures.  Yes, if it is epilepsy (which seems likely), there are drugs to manage it – but it doesn’t make it easier to watch an 11-month-old seize.  People around me lately have been telling me these things.  I know they mean well – I know that there ARE bigger problems in the world (look at China today, Mynamar, all the areas affected by tornados).  That doesn’t mean that the fact that (a) we are jobless, (b) we have two children with health issues, (c) the state has irritating red tape and operates at its own slow pace in terms of getting my children medical insurance, (d) I have NO home now – I have to live with my parents-in-law, and (e) I’m clinically depressed and have been for over a year now  – goes away.  Aargh.  And can I just add that pointing out how much other peoples’ lives suck is a terrible way to go about making someone feel better?

Ok.  I feel better.  I’ve vented a bit.  I know the people around me love me and are worried about me.  I think perhaps I need some time alone – just a little bit – to help regain my composure.  I’ll be fine.  I can do what I have to do and get on with my life.  I just hope that this doesn’t strain all sorts of family relationships in the process…

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Here we go…

Our move is becoming more and more of a reality.  Boxes are appearing and being filled.  Our house is becoming more and more chaotic.  The job search is becoming more urgent.  Sigh.  I’m beginning to really FEEL the move – the loss of my home, the change of neighborhood and familiar things, moving away from people I know here.  We’ve lived in this area for 11 years and now I am feeling the loss.

I know that this will be good for us, but I can’t help grieving a bit.