Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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Good days and bad

This is one of those times I can’t explain the problem.  It has been a lovely weekend.  We got a lot done.  We had nice family time.  We had a nice visit with my husband’s cousin who was in from the West Coast.  All was well.  I even had time out of the house yesterday, time for quiet and for myself.  The weather was absolutely perfect – warm and breezy, not humid.

So why do I feel so down?  There is nothing that I can put my finger on, aside from missing a friend that I don’t see any more.  I wish that I would cry and get this out of my system.  I feel like I need to cry, like a sadness around the edges.  I can’t figure this out myself – how could I even begin to tell my husband or anyone else what’s going on?

Part of this may be my family.  My mother and stepfather both have been starting to make little digs at me again.  It is hard to take.  I can limit my exposure to an extent but not completely.  And it makes me sad to think that I need to limit my exposure to a parent.  That’s not how things are supposed to work.  And yes, I know I’m old enough to realize that sometimes things don’t work they way you expect.  Sigh.  I will work my way out of this – I think it just caught me by surprise that they could get to me anymore.  Well, they did use the perfect target – my children.  Say anything you want about me – don’t start in on my children.

Ugh.  You can pick your friends, but family you get whether you like it or not.


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A lovely weekend overall

My husband and I take turns getting out of the house with friends (or on our own).  It is our system for ensuring that each of us gets a chance to recharge before starting a week – well, ok, normally it is one of us one Saturday, and the other the next Saturday.  We had special circumstances this weekend, so I went out Saturday and Andy went out today.

We don’t tend to do terribly exciting things.  It isn’t really WHAT we do, but the fact that we have a period of time where we are not responsible for anyone but ourselves and in which we can do anything we want, or nothing at all.  I think this is the single best thing we do for ourselves at this point.  My husband doesn’t seem to need time alone quite as much as I do, but I think that both of us really need time to step away from the overwhelming responsibility and seriousness of a chronically ill child.  We love her dearly, but the weight of responsibility and worry is tremendous.

Anyway, we each had our time away, plus the kids had a sleepover at Grandma’s on Friday, so we also had couple time – another necessity.  That was lovely.  We had a peaceful dinner together, got to eat it while it was hot and without interruption!  Who would have thought? LOL.

I will say that breaking two toes does make it difficult to go “out and about” to have quiet time.  I did manage to go to the library and read for quite a while.  I also went to our local botanical gardens (you will see various pictures posted in my blog from this lovely place).  Rather than walking around the gardens, I found a quiet place to read for a while, and I took the boat tour – about a 45 minute ride.  The narration of the boat ride varies from guide to tour guide so I can do this from time to time.  I love going to the gardens and not being able to walk as much as normal is frustrating, but the boat ride is beautiful.  We saw four young cormorants perched, drying, on a dead tree.  There were a number of herons in trees  and a few great blue herons.  Fish were jumping – apparently the lake, which is a small local reservoir, is stocked with a number of nice fish.

Great Blue Heron

The cormorants are fascinating to watch.  They are related to the loon, and are diving birds.  They sit very low on the water because they lack the gland that makes other water birds boyant.  Consequently, when they are in the water they almost look like little Lock Ness monsters …or snakes moving through the water in a remarkably erect position…Watching them dive after fish is interesting; they can hold their breath up to five minutes but don’t usually stay under that long.  They go under and can swim quite a ways so it is easy to miss when they come back up.  The lighter ones shown here are young ones; I have never seen these here before.  The darker ones are adult.

Young CormorantsAdult Cormorant






*NOTE: I should add that these are not pictures I’ve taken; I googled.  They do however look just like our locals!

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As summer draws to a close

We’re all going back to school.  My husband and I have both decided to take classes (free) on Coursera.  He’s taking three currently, two of which are work-related.  The other is strictly for his own benefit.  I’m taking one at the moment, trying to work back into the swing of family life, chores, work, and school work.  Still, it feels good to stretch the muscles and pull myself out of the (mostly comfortable) rut in which I’ve been stuck.

Of course, our children are back to school as well.  Our eldest is doing well overall, despite some bullying on the bus and around the neighborhood.  It seems to roll right off his back, but I am definitely keeping a sharp eye out and having a word here and there where possible.  My daughter is having adventures of her own.  They’ve moved her to a different school – not the one within walking distance.  Sigh.  She is completely across the (huge) city.  She leaves the house at 7:25 (for an 8:40 start time) and arrives back any time from 4:20 – 5:20.  Her bus has broken down four times now.  Seriously?  This is what the school system said was in her best interest.  I will grant you that they have more things for special needs more readily available at that school, but I’m really not sure how a 10-hour or more day is all that beneficial for a six-year-old.  Still, I have to admit that she’s not fussy when she gets home.  Sigh.

Basically, it took all of September to settle back into our routines.  We’re going to have to work on that better next summer.  Both children are on the autism spectrum, our daughter more severely affected than her brother, and BOTH do much MUCH better with routines, with schedules.  Still, it hasn’t been as painful as I thought it might.

I am slowly feeling more human.  Things have settled down at home.  Work has improved – and is also starting to grant me more room to grow and develop.  It is interesting to me that as we enter seasons associated with death and decay, sleeping and withdrawing, my relationships are blooming and I am growing and changing.  I have hope for the first time in a long, long time and it feels good.