Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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Unsent letters – F Psychological Associates

Dear Madam,

I received your letter of February 24, 2016, regarding a recent missed appointment and termination of our use of your practice – the appointments my 10-year-old son and myself.

I admit that we completely forgot the appointment of Thursday of last week due to the death of my maternal grandmother.  She passed away on Wednesday, at the age of 93, and she was very important to us as a family.  My mother needed assistance and quite frankly, I was more concerned about her well being than the appointments I had scheduled for myself (other doctors) and my son (your practice).  Nonetheless, it is quite rude to set an appointment and not show up.  I apologize and I would gladly have paid for the appointment, had I been given the opportunity.  Instead, I found myself holding a letter stating my son was no longer a patient of yours and that I should look around the area for someone else.

I have to say that is without a doubt the weakest offer of suggestions of help for a therapist that I have ever heard.  I found your practice, didn’t I?  How do you think I did that?  I know how to find help for my child but I have to say I will be much more careful this time around – I had no idea one could get booted from a practice for a missed appointment, leaving a child without the assistance he needs on no notice.  Frankly, I think I will start with Children’s Hospital – they have a far better track record with my child and with people around in general.

Third, I do hope when you said you cancelled all future appointments that you were referring to my one appointment scheduled in May with your doctor.  If not, well, please do cancel my appointment because I won’t be returning.  I assume that two months’ notice is enough time for you.

Thank you for your letter and your recommendations.  I hope that this is the end of any contact between us.  I have no need for any further assistance.

Sincerely (mostly)

An aggravated parent

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Two choices

I went to see my therapist this week.  I’ve been seeing him for a number of years, off and on as needed.  We cover, or have covered, everything from past traumas (PTSD) to financial crises to marriage issues to my daughter’s diagnosis and health.

I’ve just gone back to him recently.  I had tried to go to another therapist due to a depressive crisis but it didn’t work out.  Anyway, recently I returned to my regular therapist because I knew I had to deal with the emotional issues that triggered that crisis and he would be better able to help me.  Also, I’ve recently felt this malaise (for lack of a better description).  I just have no drive, no follow-through, no energy.  I start classes online and don’t finish.  I look around me at the house that needs cleaning…and think, why bother.  I feel as if I’m waiting for something.

When I told my therapist this, I finally realized what I’m waiting for: the other shoe to drop.  My husband and I have been through roughly eight years of bad.  So many different forms of bad that I’m not going to list it here but it includes job losses, house loss, diagnosis of Lennox-Gastaut for my daughter, and hospitalization.  I am actually afraid to enjoy the fact that things are so much better for us.  My husband is interacting with our children better, our son wants Daddy to teach him some things, our marriage is healthier than it has been in probably a decade.  I’m afraid of losing it all…AGAIN.

The choices I was given:  (a) continue to wait for disaster or the next negative event in life or (b) be vulnerable and embrace life, embrace what IS right now.  Embrace and enjoy the improvements and let life come as it will.

That’s what I am going to do: embrace my life and let go of my fear.  (Ok that’s going to take some work – but it is my goal!)

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Good days and bad

This is one of those times I can’t explain the problem.  It has been a lovely weekend.  We got a lot done.  We had nice family time.  We had a nice visit with my husband’s cousin who was in from the West Coast.  All was well.  I even had time out of the house yesterday, time for quiet and for myself.  The weather was absolutely perfect – warm and breezy, not humid.

So why do I feel so down?  There is nothing that I can put my finger on, aside from missing a friend that I don’t see any more.  I wish that I would cry and get this out of my system.  I feel like I need to cry, like a sadness around the edges.  I can’t figure this out myself – how could I even begin to tell my husband or anyone else what’s going on?

Part of this may be my family.  My mother and stepfather both have been starting to make little digs at me again.  It is hard to take.  I can limit my exposure to an extent but not completely.  And it makes me sad to think that I need to limit my exposure to a parent.  That’s not how things are supposed to work.  And yes, I know I’m old enough to realize that sometimes things don’t work they way you expect.  Sigh.  I will work my way out of this – I think it just caught me by surprise that they could get to me anymore.  Well, they did use the perfect target – my children.  Say anything you want about me – don’t start in on my children.

Ugh.  You can pick your friends, but family you get whether you like it or not.