Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


Another life turning point

I’ve been trying to decide how to write about this; I’ve obviously failed.  For a long time now, I’ve known that my father has stage 4 lung cancer.  I know what that means.  I know what the prognosis is.  I know.  But knowing it and feeling it and really SEEING it are all different things.  Funny how you can know something intellectually and it still seems unreal.

My father has fought the good fight.  He’s done chemo and come through it well (as well as possible).  He has had radiation and come through it.  Then a bone broke in his arm.  Turns out there was a lesion there – the cancer was progressing rapidly and attacking bone.

“His cancer is progressing rapidly,” is what the doctor told my stepmother.  I went to see him.

So surreal.  I’m going to lose my father.  And sooner rather than later.  You know, I’ve known all my life that that is the way things normally progress, that it is inevitable. However, I realize now that knowing something intellectually and knowing and feeling it are different.  I’m not ready (not that anyone ever is, as far as I can determine).  Sigh.  I had so many things that I wanted to do with him, to share with him.  On the bright side, I have ALWAYS told him I loved him every time I talked to him.  Also, we made our peace with our differences a long time ago.  So, I don’t have those things hanging over me.

Hug your loved ones – tell them you love them – SHOW them you love them.  You never, ever know how much time you have.

I love you Daddy and I always will.




Lingering and letting go

One of my cousins is dying.  Well, he is really already gone, but his body doesn’t know it yet.  He had multiple heart attacks last week and suffered so much oxygen deprivation that the damage done was too much for his body to overcome.  The doctors weren’t sure about that until yesterday when they did an MRI and saw the extent of the brain damage.

It is remarkable that he has held out this long – and it is remarkably hard to let him go.

He and I weren’t really that close.  He is roughly 10 years or so my senior so as kids, that was a pretty big gap.  Once we both grew up, we lived in different places and had different lives and really never connected.  But there was always the chance that we COULD.  Now, that’s gone and I realize that I missed that chance.  Of course, by the time you realize something like this, it is always too late, always in hind sight.

I hope that his spirit moves on, beyond the pain and struggle of this life.  I hope that he forgives my neglect and that I forgive myself in the end.  I also hope that I take this lesson and use it well.

God bless him and his family.