I’ve been trying to decide how to write about this; I’ve obviously failed. For a long time now, I’ve known that my father has stage 4 lung cancer. I know what that means. I know what the prognosis is. I know. But knowing it and feeling it and really SEEING it are all different things. Funny how you can know something intellectually and it still seems unreal.
My father has fought the good fight. He’s done chemo and come through it well (as well as possible). He has had radiation and come through it. Then a bone broke in his arm. Turns out there was a lesion there – the cancer was progressing rapidly and attacking bone.
“His cancer is progressing rapidly,” is what the doctor told my stepmother. I went to see him.
So surreal. I’m going to lose my father. And sooner rather than later. You know, I’ve known all my life that that is the way things normally progress, that it is inevitable. However, I realize now that knowing something intellectually and knowing and feeling it are different. I’m not ready (not that anyone ever is, as far as I can determine). Sigh. I had so many things that I wanted to do with him, to share with him. On the bright side, I have ALWAYS told him I loved him every time I talked to him. Also, we made our peace with our differences a long time ago. So, I don’t have those things hanging over me.
Hug your loved ones – tell them you love them – SHOW them you love them. You never, ever know how much time you have.
I love you Daddy and I always will.