Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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A sleepy weekend

I got some sleep this weekend and it really felt good.  I think I’ve been operating on less sleep than I need – and I’m not sure why I’m not getting enough.  I am not staying up particularly late.  Maybe it is the QUALITY that is the problem.  Whatever the problem is, I need to figure it out and fix it.  I cannot sleep in both days every weekend.  Nor can I go to bed at 9 pm every night.  Sigh.

Anyway, the increased sleep has helped me feel better.  I still have the same issues I’ve had recently (go figure – sleep helps a lot of things but it doesn’t FIX problems) but I think perhaps I have the energy to face things a little better now.  I’ve got to make sure I make getting a good night’s sleep a higher priority.

What else is going on?  I think we’ve gotten through the flurry of doctors/dentists/ orthopedic doctor appointments that we have every so often.  We should be good for a while.  That makes me happy because (a) who likes to wait in doctor’s offices? and (b) I shouldn’t have to ask for help with schedules and watching children so much for a while now.  I really don’t like asking for help; it makes me feel vulnerable and I also feel like I’m imposing on people.

I had a bit of a surprise this week at work that has left me…speechless, for lack of a better description.  My supervisor gave me a hard copy of my “goals” for 2016 – I don’t know how to explain them because they are broad, very broad.  I really don’t care for the system that our company uses for goals but, as an analyst, I wasn’t consulted (LOL).  Anyway, part of the goals included a section of “competencies”, with both positives (things I do well) and negatives (areas that need improvement).  I was shocked at the negatives; they were so negative that I really think I have to rethink my position at the company.  They really came out of left field.  For example, one of the “competencies” was Integrity and Trust; one of the negatives said that I may not be viewed as a team player, and that I might be viewed at only out for myself.  Seriously?  How on earth could anyone have EVER arrived at that?  I don’t talk to the people I work with enough for them to have that view of me.  I always help when asked; I cannot think of a single time I said no.  Do I need to be more proactive?  Oh yes.  Am I a team player?  To the best of my ability.

There were more, of a similar nature.  Just completely blindsided me.  I’m stunned.  And this is after I got a decent review for 2015.  I’m just beside myself.  Unfortunately, I’m also 46 and looking at the possibility of being denied a chance at a job due to my age.  Yeah, I know places say they don’t age-discriminate, but they do nonetheless.  I don’t know what to do now.  I suppose I poke around and see what’s out there.  I don’t have to leave the job I have now until I can find something else.  Still….I hate this feeling of being ambushed.

Well I suppose there is always something going on in life.  Life is full of changes; maybe this is just time for me to change jobs.  I’ve got to think about this carefully.


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Deep breaths

The new position at work seems to be ok.  It isn’t exciting and wouldn’t have been my first choice, but you know, if it were fun, they’d call it play, not work.  (Yes, I know – some folks actually adore what they do; unfortunately, I am not one of them right now.)  Still, I am hopeful that I will learn a lot in this job, so there’s that.  I know this sounds fairly negative but I do actually think this will work out ok, if I can ride out the growing pains.

Healthwise, our family is recovering from the first cold/allergy attack of the spring.  Ugh.  All of us have had it now – my husband seems to have developed the worst of it; his might actually be bronchitis.  Sigh.  Well, it is always something, isn’t it?  It could have been much worse – it could have been a stomach bug!  I’m grateful for the little things in life.

At this point, everyone in the house is either asleep or in their room but me.  I’m enjoying my tv shows and basic peace and quiet.  I’m getting up with the kids tomorrow so that my husband can get a little extra rest, so I know I can’t stay up late, but I am determined to enjoy what time I have.  Make the most of what you do have is my motto (LOL, when I’m feeling fairly good about life – when you’re down it is harder to do that.)

One down note: we think our daughter might be having gelastic seizures.  If you’ve not heard of them, believe me, you are not alone.  Until our daughter started having seizures we were completely unaware of a LOT of different types of seizures.  Gelastic seizures involve laughing – or something approximating laughter.  Frequently, it isn’t a pleasant laugh; in my daughter’s case, it sounds odd, almost forced.  I’ve seen her grimace during these periods.  Looking at her, it doesn’t appear like the seizures I’m more familiar with, but she doesn’t look quite right either during these periods.  She has an appointment soon with her neurologist so we’re going to ask him about them.  Sigh.  I hope, hope, HOPE that I am wrong; she has been seizure-free for three years.

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And here we go UP again…back on the roller coaster

Well, I had surgery earlier this month and was out of work for two weeks plus a couple of days.  I returned to work today to discover that I have a new position, in a new group, doing completely different work in a different building.  Sigh.  I had to pack up my desk, then find someone to help me move my stuff because I cannot lift anything right now.

I suppose that it will be ok in the end but I’m just feeling very uncertain right now.  What a thing to come back to; couldn’t they have just got me a card? LOL.

I hope that I can adjust.  Goodness knows I have had enough practice, but I’m tired of new positions.  Sigh.