Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


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The end of some things and a new beginning for others

I love January, at least THIS January.  I feel as if a great burden has been lifted off of me with the end of 2013.  My husband and I finally, finally, FINALLY took the steps we needed to move on and out from under the debt we “acquired” during our painful unemployed period seven years ago.  The relief is so intense that I cannot even find words to describe it.  Carrying that weight for that length of time has been painful in the extreme.

We should have done this long ago, but depression is an insidious beast.  When BOTH parents are extremely depressed, it is incredibly difficult to do anything more than basic necessary things.  We kept the children fed, clothed, and sheltered – but many things fell by the wayside.  What I see with the end of December 2013 is the end, finally, of our deep pit, our trial by fire.   What I see with the beginning of 2014 is the bright light of hope, the glistening possibility of life again.

We still have some steps to take in January to finalize the closure but our part of the process should be over on Tuesday.  Phew.

Here is to taking care of business and closing out what has to be finished, and here’s to turning the corner and moving on to a happier, healthier life.  Here’s to finding hope and light again.


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As summer draws to a close

We’re all going back to school.  My husband and I have both decided to take classes (free) on Coursera.  He’s taking three currently, two of which are work-related.  The other is strictly for his own benefit.  I’m taking one at the moment, trying to work back into the swing of family life, chores, work, and school work.  Still, it feels good to stretch the muscles and pull myself out of the (mostly comfortable) rut in which I’ve been stuck.

Of course, our children are back to school as well.  Our eldest is doing well overall, despite some bullying on the bus and around the neighborhood.  It seems to roll right off his back, but I am definitely keeping a sharp eye out and having a word here and there where possible.  My daughter is having adventures of her own.  They’ve moved her to a different school – not the one within walking distance.  Sigh.  She is completely across the (huge) city.  She leaves the house at 7:25 (for an 8:40 start time) and arrives back any time from 4:20 – 5:20.  Her bus has broken down four times now.  Seriously?  This is what the school system said was in her best interest.  I will grant you that they have more things for special needs more readily available at that school, but I’m really not sure how a 10-hour or more day is all that beneficial for a six-year-old.  Still, I have to admit that she’s not fussy when she gets home.  Sigh.

Basically, it took all of September to settle back into our routines.  We’re going to have to work on that better next summer.  Both children are on the autism spectrum, our daughter more severely affected than her brother, and BOTH do much MUCH better with routines, with schedules.  Still, it hasn’t been as painful as I thought it might.

I am slowly feeling more human.  Things have settled down at home.  Work has improved – and is also starting to grant me more room to grow and develop.  It is interesting to me that as we enter seasons associated with death and decay, sleeping and withdrawing, my relationships are blooming and I am growing and changing.  I have hope for the first time in a long, long time and it feels good.


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Being present

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Today I had a day out – Mama’s Day Out…lol.  Sometimes you just HAVE to do it.  I went to the botanical garden near us, which is gorgeous.   Most of the people caring for the plants are volunteers; they have even had some nearby military folks come in for various projects.  All of them do a spectacular job.

Anyway – all of that to say that I went there today to stop: stop thinking too much, stop worrying needlessly, stop getting ahead of myself, and stop being anxious.  I simply walked (a lot – 10,000+ steps) and sat.  Today was about 80 degrees, sunny and breezy.  I’m not sure what the humidity was, but it was incredibly low for this time of year.  It was perfect.  I could hear the birds calling, children playing in their area of the gardens, and planes taking off from the airport next door.  I felt the breeze ruffling my hair, the sun on my face and the occasional flick of an insect landing on me.  I got to see a turtle doing his best “I’m the King of the World” (from Titanic) on a log in the water, and a red-headed woodpecker hopping on a tree.

I feel so much better now.  Amazing what stopping and taking a pause from life will do for you.