Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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Well this has been a good week.  Our son is adjusting well to 6th grade and more responsibility.  He has gone back to bike riding, much to my relief, and has asked to be allowed to ride further afield, but still in the neighborhood.  We’re in a closed neighborhood and there are plenty of places for him to ride safely so, with some conditions, we agreed that he could ride around our complex.

In addition, he has started taking out the recyclables (for either money or extra computer time, depending on his mood) and sometimes the trash.  He has also suddenly started making his own peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and lunch overall, at least on the weekend.  All in all, he is suddenly acting older.  It is a good thing, and I know there is still room for growth, but I am proud of him.  And pleased.

What else has happened this week?  Well, truthfully, nothing exciting.  I’ve adjusted my schedule to allow me to be home to see our son off to school, since middle school starts later than elementary.  This is rather nice, though I currently feel rushed when I start work because I feel like I’m late even though I’m not.  So, there is a little adjustment going on but it is good overall.  I’ve been able to have doctor’s appointments, work a little over my schedule, and run errands this week., so I have felt more productive.   I’ve still tried to allow myself some freedom to enjoy the peace and quiet and time to myself each day because over the summer that was SO rare.


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2016 – A Year of Growth

Or “abundance”?  Or “self-care”?  I’ve been working on goals for myself and I came across the suggestion last year of having a theme.  I found that it did help me focus my goals a bit and help me focus ON my goals better over the course of the year.  So…what should my theme be for 2016?  I don’t know.  My mind is going blank.  Last year, I immediately knew what I wanted as a focus.  This year is less clear.  Maybe “abundance,” as I am expecting to buy a new car shortly (the old one died 12/24/15…sigh), and I know that I will be receiving money from one of my late father’s insurance policies.  Maybe “self-care” because I know areas that I need to improve on are eating better and exercise.  What to do, what to do…

Growth to me means focusing on personal growth and development.  That too is something I want to work on.  I know I don’t have to have a theme, but I think it helps overall.

This is really rather silly over all.  I am going to take a look at my goals and what I would like to accomplish over the next year, three years, and five years and see if anything jumps out at me.

I’m really looking forward to 2016.  Here’s to a healthy, happy new year for all of us!

(The azaleas below are in honor of my father who loved them, and who passed away August 1, 2015.  I love you, Daddy…)

azalea encore

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Two choices

I went to see my therapist this week.  I’ve been seeing him for a number of years, off and on as needed.  We cover, or have covered, everything from past traumas (PTSD) to financial crises to marriage issues to my daughter’s diagnosis and health.

I’ve just gone back to him recently.  I had tried to go to another therapist due to a depressive crisis but it didn’t work out.  Anyway, recently I returned to my regular therapist because I knew I had to deal with the emotional issues that triggered that crisis and he would be better able to help me.  Also, I’ve recently felt this malaise (for lack of a better description).  I just have no drive, no follow-through, no energy.  I start classes online and don’t finish.  I look around me at the house that needs cleaning…and think, why bother.  I feel as if I’m waiting for something.

When I told my therapist this, I finally realized what I’m waiting for: the other shoe to drop.  My husband and I have been through roughly eight years of bad.  So many different forms of bad that I’m not going to list it here but it includes job losses, house loss, diagnosis of Lennox-Gastaut for my daughter, and hospitalization.  I am actually afraid to enjoy the fact that things are so much better for us.  My husband is interacting with our children better, our son wants Daddy to teach him some things, our marriage is healthier than it has been in probably a decade.  I’m afraid of losing it all…AGAIN.

The choices I was given:  (a) continue to wait for disaster or the next negative event in life or (b) be vulnerable and embrace life, embrace what IS right now.  Embrace and enjoy the improvements and let life come as it will.

That’s what I am going to do: embrace my life and let go of my fear.  (Ok that’s going to take some work – but it is my goal!)