Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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Its so hard to say goodbye

My father passed away on August 1 of this year.  I don’t think I have written anything since then beyond thank you cards for flowers and such.  I have thrown myself (as much as possible with job and children) into my favorite computer game, where nothing bad ever happens but that is really all that I’ve felt like doing.  I’m trying to dig myself out of this but it is so hard.  I cannot believe that he is really gone.

I miss you Daddy.

11-8-07 Sophie & Granddaddy 2


The world didn’t stop…but it should have

Sigh.  I know that this is part of life but it sucks.  My father left me a message Thursday that he needed to set an appointment for a time to talk when we wouldn’t be interrupted.  He said if it sounded ominous, it was.  That really started my imagination working overtime.  I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) so it takes very little to make me extremely anxious – needless to say, this made me so anxious I wanted to throw up.

Really, now that we’ve talked, I don’t feel any better.  Ugh.  He has stage 4 lung cancer – stage 4 due to his lymph nodes being involved.

Numb. Then so sad.  Then numb.  Then nauseated.  Then numb.  Then I want to curl up with my fuzzy blanket and cry.  And I’m 44.  I’m having trouble processing it all.



Lingering and letting go

One of my cousins is dying.  Well, he is really already gone, but his body doesn’t know it yet.  He had multiple heart attacks last week and suffered so much oxygen deprivation that the damage done was too much for his body to overcome.  The doctors weren’t sure about that until yesterday when they did an MRI and saw the extent of the brain damage.

It is remarkable that he has held out this long – and it is remarkably hard to let him go.

He and I weren’t really that close.  He is roughly 10 years or so my senior so as kids, that was a pretty big gap.  Once we both grew up, we lived in different places and had different lives and really never connected.  But there was always the chance that we COULD.  Now, that’s gone and I realize that I missed that chance.  Of course, by the time you realize something like this, it is always too late, always in hind sight.

I hope that his spirit moves on, beyond the pain and struggle of this life.  I hope that he forgives my neglect and that I forgive myself in the end.  I also hope that I take this lesson and use it well.

God bless him and his family.