Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


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Thinking about this week

Well, we should be getting closer to making some decisions about where to go from here with our son.  We’ve got a meeting on Wednesday afternoon with the people from the county to hear their recommendations.  I expect that it will involve the county school system, since this program that they actually work with only helps children up to the age of 3 and our son is now over 2 and a half.  We’ll see, I guess.

I am fairly nervous about it.  I’ve never thought of myself as “anti-government” but I just get nervous thinking about the county or any government agency making recommendations about my child.  What do they know – the government can’t take care of itself!  I’m going to try to reign that in and at least listen to what they have to say.  That much can’t hurt, I suppose.

The rest of the week should be ok.  I’m turning 38 this week; that is a bit depressing, but it is actually better than NOT turning 38, so I’m trying to keep it in perspective.  I get to visit with family later this week, and more than likely that will result in my husband and me being able to go out and have a nice, hot meal together.  That would be lovely.

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Now the aftermath…

I am still trying to pick up the pieces from yesterday’s evaluation of my son.  My friends and family have been very supportive and encouraging so I think I’m mostly back on track – I just have a tiny little voice in my head saying, “You haven’t been doing enough.   You haven’t been working hard enough.” (And so on.)  I’m trying really hard not to listen because, well, what’s done is done and I really was doing the best I could under the circumstances.

I’m just rather tired now.  I keep hoping that 2008 will be a much better year than 2007, but I wonder.  Well, it is too early to tell, of course, so I am just going to keep going.  All I can do is the best I can do; everything else will just have to take care of itself.

I am also trying to focus on things to be grateful for; I would really like to change my focus from a more negative one to something more positive.   Today I am grateful for the overall good health of both children.  I’m grateful for my health as well.  I’m grateful to have a warm house and a roof over our heads.  I’m grateful for the care and concern of friends and relatives (and for people who have commented on my blogs recently).  I’m grateful for friends who have been supportive and have tried to help take my mind of things for a little while.  All in all, there is a lot that is good in my life and I really need to stop and remember that when I start worrying and getting anxious again.


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Evaluation of my son

Well, I didn’t do my blogging this morning, but it isn’t a surprise.  We had a team of people out to evaluate our son this morning.  You see, he’s two and a half and not talking as much as the doctor would like.  Ok, I’m a little concerned about that as well.  Anyway, the team arrived at 9:00 am and started the evaluation a little after that.

I know this is is a good thing, and it is for his own good, to help him catch up to children his own age.  I know that it isn’t  a slur against my mothering or anything like it, but that is what it feels like.  I feel guilty.  I feel like I’m failing my child.

Well, all I can do at this point is recognize the things that I do need to do better, the mistakes I’ve made, and the problems I’ve had, and rectify them or improve, then move on.  Focusing on the mistakes and problems isn’t going to help.  Focusing on fault isn’t helpful.  I need to take action and move on; I can’t just get depressed about this.  As a parent, I’ve got to pull myself up, dust myself off, and focus on my children.