Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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Well time is really flying by

I really had such good intentions this year, with keeping up with my blog and a number of other things.  Like exercise.  Like taking better care of myself.  Like taking better care of my home.

Funny how quickly that can fall by the wayside.

I am not even sure why it has either.  Nothing really bad has happened this year.  There has been nothing family or work-wise that would have, or should have, knocked me off of my path, away from my goals.  There is just a feeling of apathy, just a lack of desire to get up and moving.  Perhaps it is that I turned 44 in February; on that note, next year should be interesting.  My therapist says he tends to see women in his practice (and his wife, also a therapist, agrees with this) around milestone birthdays, such as 30, 40, 45…etc.

Anyway, perhaps I am feeling just…apathetic…because the current place I am in in my life is nowhere near where I expected to be at this point.  I thought I would have a better handle on life.  I thought things would be…simpler.  Silly me!  Really, I am not sure what I expected; I’ve never thought life was or would be easy.  Still, I didn’t expect to have lost my house, to have a special needs child, to be working part time because day cares wouldn’t accept my child.


Anyway, whatever the reason, I am trying to pull myself together.  This blog is really a helpful thing for me.  It allows me to vent.  It allows me to connect with others who understand what my life is like.  It helps me organize my thoughts and make sense of what is going on around me.  I need to get back to it.

What prompted this is an interesting thing – it had nothing to do with any of what I have typed.  A blog that I follow ( posted sometime ago about “polite” things that people say that can be annoying or frustrating to autism parents.  It really struck a chord with me and it reminded me (it, and the comments on it) that it really feels good to be part of a community.  It helps more than words can say to know that other people understand and GET what life is like for me.  It was a reminder that I need to reconnect to that community and get away from the depression-inducing (or depression-induced) isolation.

So…here I go – reconnecting 🙂

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You change your life by changing your heart

You change your life by changing your heart.

Max Lucado

I am working on that.  I have been detoxing my life in a lot of ways over the last eight months or so, changing who I associate with, what I put into my body, even the thoughts I think and the way I spend my “free time” – such that it is.

Somewhere along the way, in the midst of all the troubles we’ve had, I fell off the path.  I lost my way, I lost my sense of purpose and hope.  I hope that I am getting back to a healthy place now, more like ME.  I forgot to be true to myself, and that really makes life a struggle.

Ways that I’ve been working on all of this are journaling, goal-setting, doing some painful inventorying of my life.  I’ve taken days off the computer.  I’ve taken entire days out of the house in silence.  I’ve started reading again – and consequently, looked hard at the ways I had been spending my time.  I’ve slowly started breaking bad habits, trying to substitute good ones – i.e., reading for computer games, fruit for sweets, etc.

I hope that I am FINALLY getting back to a good place and getting back to being the person I truly want to be.Hi Friend


Daily Prompt: Quote Me

Daily Prompt: Quote Me.

For me, it is a Winston Churchill quote: “Never, never, never give up.”  That has meant quite a lot to me throughout most of my life (well, at least since high school, when I first read it!).

It has helped through struggles in college – I held on to it as I moved on from engineering (definitely not me) to computer science.

It has helped through relationship difficulties – I never gave up hope that a decent person was out there for me.  Sure enough there was – and we’ve been married for 21 (almost 22) years now.

It has helped me through struggles with my daughter’s seizures, the years it took to get a diagnosis, and the struggle to accept what cannot be changed. (And it continues to help with that, of course).