Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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Some days it is just hard to keep your chin up

I can’t really explain what the problem is today.  All I can say is that today is a down day.  I just have struggled this week, in fact, with staying positive and maintaining motivation.  I suppose that there will always be these days, but it gets frustrating.  My husband stayed home from work this week – two days.  He is struggling with depression, and with several situations at work.  He’s trying to figure out what he needs to do, and in the mean time, is really uncomfortable at work.

While I get that, and while I support him in whatever he decides, it makes me tremendously anxious.  And his absences are worse.  I am so afraid that he is going to lose his job.  All of this has caused the memories of losing our townhouse, of going into tremendous debt, of all of the struggles after that to resurface.  Talk about a trigger.  This is awful.  I’m walking a fine line between being supportive and becoming completely unnerved.

I suppose that’s what is underlying this current state of being “down,” for lack of a better description.  Sigh.

I hope he can resolve his work situation soon – before I lose my grip!  I am trying to find ways to work on my insecurities without adding pressure to him.  No doubt he is rather unnerved as well.  This too shall pass.  I can get through this.  I have the strength and the smarts to get myself and our children through this.

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Oh Robin…

Robin Wiliams

Life Lessons from a Funny Man

My heart hurts.  A friend of mine online typed that in a comment on a tribute to Robin Williams that I shared on Facebook; that sums it up perfectly. My heart hurts for him, that he felt so isolated, so alone in his pain – and for the world, deprived far too soon of his brilliance.  I wonder how long I will grieve for him.  I wonder how long we will remember the lessons he is teaching on pain, depression, and relationships.

What have I learned from Mr. Williams?

  • Always be a kid at heart – never let that go.   See Hook.
  • Be yourself – you’re the best you there is!  See any of the interviews he did – he talked about the good and the bad of his life.
  • When you do something, do it fully, not half-assed! Throw yourself into it!  I saw this in Dead Poet’s Society, and in the wide range of roles that he played so well.
  • To help yourself, help others. See his tremendous record of helping others, and in doing so in large ways and small.  One little girl he visited at her home before she died…talk about really making something personal.  He spent the afternoon with her.
  • Care – about friends, family, the world at large.  From everything I’ve read, he was a good and loyal friend.  He certainly was a good friend to Christopher Reeve.
  • Do your part – then do some more.
  • Talk about the troubles you face, to help others.
  • Work from what you know – he often played men who had suffered loss or trauma.
  • Stretch yourself – move beyond your comfort zone. (Comedy to drama)
  • He taught us what it is to be human: laughing, crying, angry…all of it.
  • One person CAN make a difference.  He was a tremendous help to many, and supported many causes.
  • Laughter IS the best medicine – as is helping others. And with laughter you can even talk about serious things…Comic Relief, American Foundation for Aids Research, Doctors Without Borders and more
  • Make your life extraordinary!  (He certainly did.)

I hope that we will all take something away from his death – actually, a number of things.  First of all, sometimes pain is too much fora person to bear.  Is someone near you going though tough times?  Sit down with them and LISTEN to them.  Really see what is going on – don’t just move on.  If you cannot think of anything to say or do for them, JUST HOLD THEIR HAND or listen.  I cannot tell you how much that would be appreciated. Sometimes, there is nothing that anyone else CAN do beyond listen.  And, for those suffering…consider how much the people around Robin Williams have lost, and how much they grieve.  Look at how many people he touched, and most of them he was unaware of personally.  No, you may not touch millions, but I bet you touch more people than you think that you do.

Depression is not sadness.  It may not even feel like sadness.  Telling someone who is depressed to “buck up,” “get over it,” or “get some rest” is about as helpful as telling someone who has broken their foot to “walk it off.”  As someone who suffers from depression,  I can tell you that there are times when it seems like life will never get better, when it feels like there is no hope.  There are days when it is difficult to get out of bed – and I am on medication.  I should add, before anyone gets concerned about me, that I am in therapy and days like that are rare now, typically occurring after a major event or stressor in my life.

Listen – and LOOK – for cries for help.

Look at how much one person can do for people – look at how many lives a person can touch.

There is more to a person than what you see on the surface; dig deeper.

Suicide isn’t cowardly; it is a reaction to unrelenting, unbearable pain – pain of a magnitude that most people around the person suffering it are not aware.

Seek help when you need it – repeatedly if necessary.  There is nothing wrong in asking for help.

Depression is an illness and we must treat it as such.  We wouldn’t tell someone with cancer, “Just get over it.”

Don’t bury things in drugs and alcohol.

Dr. Ara saw it differently. “I believe what we can learn from his life is the way he has used his talents all along — his creativity and passion for art and culture and how courageously he has fought against the evil force that lived inside and outside of him.

“His death probably teaches us humility. No amount of success can ever be enough to overcome our human limitations and that is how we are created.”



“Robin McLaurin Williams.” Bio. A&E Television Networks, 2014. Web. 13 Aug. 2014.

Make your lives extraordinary

Rest in peace, Robin.

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Well time is really flying by

I really had such good intentions this year, with keeping up with my blog and a number of other things.  Like exercise.  Like taking better care of myself.  Like taking better care of my home.

Funny how quickly that can fall by the wayside.

I am not even sure why it has either.  Nothing really bad has happened this year.  There has been nothing family or work-wise that would have, or should have, knocked me off of my path, away from my goals.  There is just a feeling of apathy, just a lack of desire to get up and moving.  Perhaps it is that I turned 44 in February; on that note, next year should be interesting.  My therapist says he tends to see women in his practice (and his wife, also a therapist, agrees with this) around milestone birthdays, such as 30, 40, 45…etc.

Anyway, perhaps I am feeling just…apathetic…because the current place I am in in my life is nowhere near where I expected to be at this point.  I thought I would have a better handle on life.  I thought things would be…simpler.  Silly me!  Really, I am not sure what I expected; I’ve never thought life was or would be easy.  Still, I didn’t expect to have lost my house, to have a special needs child, to be working part time because day cares wouldn’t accept my child.


Anyway, whatever the reason, I am trying to pull myself together.  This blog is really a helpful thing for me.  It allows me to vent.  It allows me to connect with others who understand what my life is like.  It helps me organize my thoughts and make sense of what is going on around me.  I need to get back to it.

What prompted this is an interesting thing – it had nothing to do with any of what I have typed.  A blog that I follow ( posted sometime ago about “polite” things that people say that can be annoying or frustrating to autism parents.  It really struck a chord with me and it reminded me (it, and the comments on it) that it really feels good to be part of a community.  It helps more than words can say to know that other people understand and GET what life is like for me.  It was a reminder that I need to reconnect to that community and get away from the depression-inducing (or depression-induced) isolation.

So…here I go – reconnecting 🙂