Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


The world didn’t stop…but it should have

Sigh.  I know that this is part of life but it sucks.  My father left me a message Thursday that he needed to set an appointment for a time to talk when we wouldn’t be interrupted.  He said if it sounded ominous, it was.  That really started my imagination working overtime.  I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) so it takes very little to make me extremely anxious – needless to say, this made me so anxious I wanted to throw up.

Really, now that we’ve talked, I don’t feel any better.  Ugh.  He has stage 4 lung cancer – stage 4 due to his lymph nodes being involved.

Numb. Then so sad.  Then numb.  Then nauseated.  Then numb.  Then I want to curl up with my fuzzy blanket and cry.  And I’m 44.  I’m having trouble processing it all.


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Good days and bad

This is one of those times I can’t explain the problem.  It has been a lovely weekend.  We got a lot done.  We had nice family time.  We had a nice visit with my husband’s cousin who was in from the West Coast.  All was well.  I even had time out of the house yesterday, time for quiet and for myself.  The weather was absolutely perfect – warm and breezy, not humid.

So why do I feel so down?  There is nothing that I can put my finger on, aside from missing a friend that I don’t see any more.  I wish that I would cry and get this out of my system.  I feel like I need to cry, like a sadness around the edges.  I can’t figure this out myself – how could I even begin to tell my husband or anyone else what’s going on?

Part of this may be my family.  My mother and stepfather both have been starting to make little digs at me again.  It is hard to take.  I can limit my exposure to an extent but not completely.  And it makes me sad to think that I need to limit my exposure to a parent.  That’s not how things are supposed to work.  And yes, I know I’m old enough to realize that sometimes things don’t work they way you expect.  Sigh.  I will work my way out of this – I think it just caught me by surprise that they could get to me anymore.  Well, they did use the perfect target – my children.  Say anything you want about me – don’t start in on my children.

Ugh.  You can pick your friends, but family you get whether you like it or not.

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Falling down on the job

But doing better around the house…I suppose something had to give.  Well, it has been a while since I posted, but my husband is doing better on a new medication and is feeling more energized and less lethargic.  As a side effect, I have been feeling more energized.  I have to say that it is very, very difficult for one part of a couple to maintain motivation and energy when the other half is really depressed for a long period of time.  To see him coming out of this or at least making progress is SUCH a relief.

As a result, we have been accomplishing a lot around the house.  I admit there is still a lot left to do, but at least we are getting to the point that we can check things off of our to-do list.  It is a wonderful feeling.

Tonight though – we took the night off.  We took our son to dinner while my mother took our daughter to an event at her school.  It was really nice to be able to have a nice dinner and focus our attention on our son.  Sometimes he gets the short end of the stick – since his sister requires so much attention.  Now – both kids are having a sleep-over at Grandma’s and we are relaxing and enjoying peace and quiet.

Yay for weekends!

Each Day is A Gift