Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


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Am I speaking a different language?

I’m having issues at work.  I believe that I am being grossly misunderstood and I’m not sure why.  I speak English.  I am fairly well educated so I believe I speak it better than average.  And yet, I am completely misunderstood at work and talked to for doing something that I didn’t do at all.

I may be over-reacting but I don’t like the feeling of being misunderstood or the consequence of being pulled aside and talked to about “misbehavior” that I never did. I have spent two days now mentally gnawing at events from Friday and I hate that; nothing I do should occupy my off-work time.  Seriously, nothing I do is that earth-shattering.  I audit.  Is it important to the company?  Yes.  Should I be worrying about work on the weekend?  No.

Earlier this week, I sent a woman that I work with an email stating that I couldn’t finish two audits, but that I had to leave.  She assigns me work but doesn’t supervise me.  It seems that she and my boss both interpreted the email as me leaving early, and leaving my work for others.  Now, I work part time and I am currently working on an adjusted schedule for the summer as I have kids.  I leave at 11 and I sent the email at 11, so I did not leave early.  However, on Friday, I was pulled aside and lectured on the fact that the company had worked with me on adjusting my time, that leaving early meant time had to be made up, that I should come in early to do so, that they didn’t micromanage anyone to see that it was done …etc., etc.  I was caught by surprise, thinking that the woman would understand my email and would actually appreciate it because she needs to know when audits cannot be performed in their assigned time frame (i.e., daily, weekly, etc.).  I was also lectured for not taking time to open one of the audits long enough to discover there were no files to audit; that much I take responsibility for.  I should have worked over to make sure there was something to audit.   The rest however was wrong and I shouldn’t have incorrect information held against me.

I don’t mind constructive criticism.  I will work to improve myself – sometimes people see things that need improving that I don’t see myself and that’s fine.  However, when all you can say is that the company has already been flexible with my time and that I should come in even earlier than 7 am to make up non-existent missed time, I have problems with that; I don’t react well.  And the way this conversation was handled wasn’t good – it felt like an attack so I withdrew mentally and emotionally instead of responding properly.  I hate it when I do that but it seems to be my instinctive reaction.

I don’t need advice on this per se but I did need to vent.  I’ve stewed about it all weekend and I’m no happier now than I was on Friday.  Do I go in and try to fix misconceptions or do I just let them think what they are going to think anyway?  It is my instinct to go in and say, “Hey, I didn’t leave early so I’m not sure what that was all about.”  But that won’t change anything, really.

You teach people

 

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A sleepy weekend

I got some sleep this weekend and it really felt good.  I think I’ve been operating on less sleep than I need – and I’m not sure why I’m not getting enough.  I am not staying up particularly late.  Maybe it is the QUALITY that is the problem.  Whatever the problem is, I need to figure it out and fix it.  I cannot sleep in both days every weekend.  Nor can I go to bed at 9 pm every night.  Sigh.

Anyway, the increased sleep has helped me feel better.  I still have the same issues I’ve had recently (go figure – sleep helps a lot of things but it doesn’t FIX problems) but I think perhaps I have the energy to face things a little better now.  I’ve got to make sure I make getting a good night’s sleep a higher priority.

What else is going on?  I think we’ve gotten through the flurry of doctors/dentists/ orthopedic doctor appointments that we have every so often.  We should be good for a while.  That makes me happy because (a) who likes to wait in doctor’s offices? and (b) I shouldn’t have to ask for help with schedules and watching children so much for a while now.  I really don’t like asking for help; it makes me feel vulnerable and I also feel like I’m imposing on people.

I had a bit of a surprise this week at work that has left me…speechless, for lack of a better description.  My supervisor gave me a hard copy of my “goals” for 2016 – I don’t know how to explain them because they are broad, very broad.  I really don’t care for the system that our company uses for goals but, as an analyst, I wasn’t consulted (LOL).  Anyway, part of the goals included a section of “competencies”, with both positives (things I do well) and negatives (areas that need improvement).  I was shocked at the negatives; they were so negative that I really think I have to rethink my position at the company.  They really came out of left field.  For example, one of the “competencies” was Integrity and Trust; one of the negatives said that I may not be viewed as a team player, and that I might be viewed at only out for myself.  Seriously?  How on earth could anyone have EVER arrived at that?  I don’t talk to the people I work with enough for them to have that view of me.  I always help when asked; I cannot think of a single time I said no.  Do I need to be more proactive?  Oh yes.  Am I a team player?  To the best of my ability.

There were more, of a similar nature.  Just completely blindsided me.  I’m stunned.  And this is after I got a decent review for 2015.  I’m just beside myself.  Unfortunately, I’m also 46 and looking at the possibility of being denied a chance at a job due to my age.  Yeah, I know places say they don’t age-discriminate, but they do nonetheless.  I don’t know what to do now.  I suppose I poke around and see what’s out there.  I don’t have to leave the job I have now until I can find something else.  Still….I hate this feeling of being ambushed.

Well I suppose there is always something going on in life.  Life is full of changes; maybe this is just time for me to change jobs.  I’ve got to think about this carefully.

 


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One step forward, two steps backward

I suppose that isn’t really true right now, but it feels like it at times.  I’m struggling to keep my head above water again and I’m not sure why.  My anxiety is up to levels that are decidedly uncomfortable and I’m lethargic, slow to do much of anything, and fairly apathetic about things that I should be concerned with (like general housework, self-care, etc.).  I’ve called my therapist and made an appointment because I’m not sure what’s getting to me.  I made it through the holidays, work isn’t great but it isn’t terrible either, and the family is getting back to normal after several weeks of colds.

Maybe I’m tired.  Maybe I miss my father (oh definitely to that).  Maybe I need a break.  I just don’t know.  I’m sure I’ll work through this and feel better soon, but I wish I knew the trigger.  I hate not knowing what is causing something.