Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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Two choices

I went to see my therapist this week.  I’ve been seeing him for a number of years, off and on as needed.  We cover, or have covered, everything from past traumas (PTSD) to financial crises to marriage issues to my daughter’s diagnosis and health.

I’ve just gone back to him recently.  I had tried to go to another therapist due to a depressive crisis but it didn’t work out.  Anyway, recently I returned to my regular therapist because I knew I had to deal with the emotional issues that triggered that crisis and he would be better able to help me.  Also, I’ve recently felt this malaise (for lack of a better description).  I just have no drive, no follow-through, no energy.  I start classes online and don’t finish.  I look around me at the house that needs cleaning…and think, why bother.  I feel as if I’m waiting for something.

When I told my therapist this, I finally realized what I’m waiting for: the other shoe to drop.  My husband and I have been through roughly eight years of bad.  So many different forms of bad that I’m not going to list it here but it includes job losses, house loss, diagnosis of Lennox-Gastaut for my daughter, and hospitalization.  I am actually afraid to enjoy the fact that things are so much better for us.  My husband is interacting with our children better, our son wants Daddy to teach him some things, our marriage is healthier than it has been in probably a decade.  I’m afraid of losing it all…AGAIN.

The choices I was given:  (a) continue to wait for disaster or the next negative event in life or (b) be vulnerable and embrace life, embrace what IS right now.  Embrace and enjoy the improvements and let life come as it will.

That’s what I am going to do: embrace my life and let go of my fear.  (Ok that’s going to take some work – but it is my goal!)


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Thursday 13 – 2nd Edition

13 things I regret

  1. I regret not being kinder to Lori – a girl I got to know on the bus. I was embarrased by the fact that I knew (in the way that young pre-teens/teens know) that everyone was looking down on me for being her friend. Really, I’m sure no one noticed – I should have been nicer.
  2. I regret not trusting my own knowledge of myself in terms of what career to go into. I listened to my family – to my great detriment – and I am still trying to dig myself out. They don’t (and didn’t) know me as well as they thought.
  3. I regret being kinder than I should have in certain circumstances. Some people really take advantage of that sort of thing.;
  4. I regret worrying so much about so many things as a teen – really, it all turned out (for the most part) ok. The things that are a problem now – I wasn’t worried about then!
  5. I regret many of the things I said to my parents as a teen. If only I knew then what I know now…
  6. I regret that I wasn’t stronger as a child; I should have stood up for a number of people that I knew. I was too afraid.
  7. I regret stealing paper from a company that I worked for a long time ago. I’m far better than they are – or were; they have actually closed that office.
  8. I regret hiring a friend as a subordinate. Of course, I wouldn’t have made him my subordinate – that was my boss’ decision; a poor one, I might add.
  9. I regret telling my family about abuse that happened to me. Since then they’ve decided I need to “reconcile” with the cousin who abused me. Sigh.
  10. I regret pushing my family away, keeping them at arms’ length. Yes, I’ve got some issues with them, but that isn’t the solution and I could be missing out on good relationships. (Excepting that one cousin that abused me – don’t miss that relationship)
  11. I regret leaving band early in high school. Would it have killed me to have stuck out one year once the band director I adored left?
  12. I regret so much of my teen years. I regret friends that I had then, I regret not getting to know others better.
  13. I regret not getting counseling after telling my parents that I had been abused as a young girl. ALWAYS seek counseling – and as parents, always, always, always get the child counseling. My parents took my word, as a 16 year old, that I was fine. I wasn’t.

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