Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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I feel as if I am trapped between worlds, belonging in neither.  I have a special needs child.  My friends who don’t don’t include me any more, yet my daughter is mobile and relatively healthy despite her special needs.  I don’t feel as if I really fit in with other special needs parents.    I don’t know why I feel this way; it isn’t as if I have been asked to leave a group.  I just feel neither one nor the other.

The question is, I suppose, “Have I really accepted that she is special needs?”  I think that I have.  She is 10 years old, but more like 2 years old developmentally.  She has a rare, severe form of epilepsy so yes, her condition is life-threatening.  She is in special education and has been since she was 2 (well, it started as early intervention).

So why do I feel as if I don’t fit in with other special needs parents?  I don’t really know.  But I hate this feeling of being alone, of being isolated.  I guess in part I want my “friends” who have non-special needs kids to come back, to welcome me.  Typing that out, I have to say that I think I need better friends if they were so quick to abandon me.

At any rate, right now I feel alone and that I’m a misfit.  And that really stinks because I felt like that in high school and that was enough of that.  I didn’t think that would develop again as a parent.



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Well THAT’S an interesting reaction

I got my hair chopped off today.  Well, cut nicely thank you, but it is SHORT.  It was maybe chin-lenth or so – now it is flat against my head on the sides and kind of fluffy (LOL) on the top.  (Fluffy thanks to curls that can still do their thing, a little).  Apparently, when confused about your emotions, go for a drastic hair change.  Sigh.  Overall I think I will be happy with this.  I don’t know that my decision to shake up my look has anything to do with recent emotional turmoil, but I think it might.  Maybe I just need changes in my life.  At any rate, I think I’m going to slow down on the changes a bit.  Completely changing my look is enough for now.

And tomorrow is my birthday…LOL.  My new look should cause a stir. 🙂

Do I know how to time things or what?

Next up: going back to coloring my hair red!

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I am feeling down and I’m not sure why.  I am suddenly very interested in what my high school boyfriend is doing and I have no idea why – and why now?  Am I lonely?  Am I just feeling nostalgic?  And what triggered this?  Sigh.  I don’t know any of these things and it is frustrating.

I don’t feel depressed.  I actually feel sad.  And sadly, I don’t know how to cope with it.  I suppose that that is because I am on antidepressants and I think they cover a lot of my “down” times.  I don’t know.  I think I would feel better if I knew what was causing this, what the problem was.  At least if you know what the problem is, you have a better chance of fixing it.

Maybe it is that my birthday is in two days.  I will be 47 – gasp.  Well, it is better than NOT being 47!  And that isn’t a “milestone” – like 45 or 50.  I don’t know.  Aaargh.  I just want to feel better than this.

Well, this too shall pass.  The weather is supposed to be beautiful this weekend so maybe I will be able to get out and get some sunshine.