Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?


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A Day at the Park

Ok – it wasn’t a day.  It wasn’t even two hours, but it was as long as I could take the anxiety.  Mom, my son Alex, and I went to an enclosed park/playground with Sophie.  It is the only place that I know of locally that Sophie can run around free.  Of course, I was completely paranoid the entire time and followed her closely.  I think we need to do this again as much for me as for her, so that I can learn to not hover over her and let her have some fun.

At any rate, she did run all over the park, leading me on quite a bit of walking/running.  I gave her space but not so much that I couldn’t cover it in a heartbeat as needed.  I think she had a great time.  Eventually, Alex and I both got tired of keeping up with her so much and we decided to call it a day, but we at least got some time out in the fresh air.

This taught me a lot.  I realize now how anxious I do get out in public, and why I haven’t taken her very many places.  This level of stress and anxiety isn’t healthy in large doses.  It also taught me that she needs to go to this park from time to time so she can experience a little freedom and independence.  That would probably be good for both of us.

 

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Loneliness

I feel as if I am trapped between worlds, belonging in neither.  I have a special needs child.  My friends who don’t don’t include me any more, yet my daughter is mobile and relatively healthy despite her special needs.  I don’t feel as if I really fit in with other special needs parents.    I don’t know why I feel this way; it isn’t as if I have been asked to leave a group.  I just feel neither one nor the other.

The question is, I suppose, “Have I really accepted that she is special needs?”  I think that I have.  She is 10 years old, but more like 2 years old developmentally.  She has a rare, severe form of epilepsy so yes, her condition is life-threatening.  She is in special education and has been since she was 2 (well, it started as early intervention).

So why do I feel as if I don’t fit in with other special needs parents?  I don’t really know.  But I hate this feeling of being alone, of being isolated.  I guess in part I want my “friends” who have non-special needs kids to come back, to welcome me.  Typing that out, I have to say that I think I need better friends if they were so quick to abandon me.

At any rate, right now I feel alone and that I’m a misfit.  And that really stinks because I felt like that in high school and that was enough of that.  I didn’t think that would develop again as a parent.

lonely


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Well THAT’S an interesting reaction

I got my hair chopped off today.  Well, cut nicely thank you, but it is SHORT.  It was maybe chin-lenth or so – now it is flat against my head on the sides and kind of fluffy (LOL) on the top.  (Fluffy thanks to curls that can still do their thing, a little).  Apparently, when confused about your emotions, go for a drastic hair change.  Sigh.  Overall I think I will be happy with this.  I don’t know that my decision to shake up my look has anything to do with recent emotional turmoil, but I think it might.  Maybe I just need changes in my life.  At any rate, I think I’m going to slow down on the changes a bit.  Completely changing my look is enough for now.

And tomorrow is my birthday…LOL.  My new look should cause a stir. 🙂

Do I know how to time things or what?

Next up: going back to coloring my hair red!