Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

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Am I speaking a different language?

I’m having issues at work.  I believe that I am being grossly misunderstood and I’m not sure why.  I speak English.  I am fairly well educated so I believe I speak it better than average.  And yet, I am completely misunderstood at work and talked to for doing something that I didn’t do at all.

I may be over-reacting but I don’t like the feeling of being misunderstood or the consequence of being pulled aside and talked to about “misbehavior” that I never did. I have spent two days now mentally gnawing at events from Friday and I hate that; nothing I do should occupy my off-work time.  Seriously, nothing I do is that earth-shattering.  I audit.  Is it important to the company?  Yes.  Should I be worrying about work on the weekend?  No.

Earlier this week, I sent a woman that I work with an email stating that I couldn’t finish two audits, but that I had to leave.  She assigns me work but doesn’t supervise me.  It seems that she and my boss both interpreted the email as me leaving early, and leaving my work for others.  Now, I work part time and I am currently working on an adjusted schedule for the summer as I have kids.  I leave at 11 and I sent the email at 11, so I did not leave early.  However, on Friday, I was pulled aside and lectured on the fact that the company had worked with me on adjusting my time, that leaving early meant time had to be made up, that I should come in early to do so, that they didn’t micromanage anyone to see that it was done …etc., etc.  I was caught by surprise, thinking that the woman would understand my email and would actually appreciate it because she needs to know when audits cannot be performed in their assigned time frame (i.e., daily, weekly, etc.).  I was also lectured for not taking time to open one of the audits long enough to discover there were no files to audit; that much I take responsibility for.  I should have worked over to make sure there was something to audit.   The rest however was wrong and I shouldn’t have incorrect information held against me.

I don’t mind constructive criticism.  I will work to improve myself – sometimes people see things that need improving that I don’t see myself and that’s fine.  However, when all you can say is that the company has already been flexible with my time and that I should come in even earlier than 7 am to make up non-existent missed time, I have problems with that; I don’t react well.  And the way this conversation was handled wasn’t good – it felt like an attack so I withdrew mentally and emotionally instead of responding properly.  I hate it when I do that but it seems to be my instinctive reaction.

I don’t need advice on this per se but I did need to vent.  I’ve stewed about it all weekend and I’m no happier now than I was on Friday.  Do I go in and try to fix misconceptions or do I just let them think what they are going to think anyway?  It is my instinct to go in and say, “Hey, I didn’t leave early so I’m not sure what that was all about.”  But that won’t change anything, really.

You teach people


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One step forward, two steps backward

I suppose that isn’t really true right now, but it feels like it at times.  I’m struggling to keep my head above water again and I’m not sure why.  My anxiety is up to levels that are decidedly uncomfortable and I’m lethargic, slow to do much of anything, and fairly apathetic about things that I should be concerned with (like general housework, self-care, etc.).  I’ve called my therapist and made an appointment because I’m not sure what’s getting to me.  I made it through the holidays, work isn’t great but it isn’t terrible either, and the family is getting back to normal after several weeks of colds.

Maybe I’m tired.  Maybe I miss my father (oh definitely to that).  Maybe I need a break.  I just don’t know.  I’m sure I’ll work through this and feel better soon, but I wish I knew the trigger.  I hate not knowing what is causing something.

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Some days it is just hard to keep your chin up

I can’t really explain what the problem is today.  All I can say is that today is a down day.  I just have struggled this week, in fact, with staying positive and maintaining motivation.  I suppose that there will always be these days, but it gets frustrating.  My husband stayed home from work this week – two days.  He is struggling with depression, and with several situations at work.  He’s trying to figure out what he needs to do, and in the mean time, is really uncomfortable at work.

While I get that, and while I support him in whatever he decides, it makes me tremendously anxious.  And his absences are worse.  I am so afraid that he is going to lose his job.  All of this has caused the memories of losing our townhouse, of going into tremendous debt, of all of the struggles after that to resurface.  Talk about a trigger.  This is awful.  I’m walking a fine line between being supportive and becoming completely unnerved.

I suppose that’s what is underlying this current state of being “down,” for lack of a better description.  Sigh.

I hope he can resolve his work situation soon – before I lose my grip!  I am trying to find ways to work on my insecurities without adding pressure to him.  No doubt he is rather unnerved as well.  This too shall pass.  I can get through this.  I have the strength and the smarts to get myself and our children through this.