I went to see my therapist this week. I’ve been seeing him for a number of years, off and on as needed. We cover, or have covered, everything from past traumas (PTSD) to financial crises to marriage issues to my daughter’s diagnosis and health.
I’ve just gone back to him recently. I had tried to go to another therapist due to a depressive crisis but it didn’t work out. Anyway, recently I returned to my regular therapist because I knew I had to deal with the emotional issues that triggered that crisis and he would be better able to help me. Also, I’ve recently felt this malaise (for lack of a better description). I just have no drive, no follow-through, no energy. I start classes online and don’t finish. I look around me at the house that needs cleaning…and think, why bother. I feel as if I’m waiting for something.
When I told my therapist this, I finally realized what I’m waiting for: the other shoe to drop. My husband and I have been through roughly eight years of bad. So many different forms of bad that I’m not going to list it here but it includes job losses, house loss, diagnosis of Lennox-Gastaut for my daughter, and hospitalization. I am actually afraid to enjoy the fact that things are so much better for us. My husband is interacting with our children better, our son wants Daddy to teach him some things, our marriage is healthier than it has been in probably a decade. I’m afraid of losing it all…AGAIN.
The choices I was given: (a) continue to wait for disaster or the next negative event in life or (b) be vulnerable and embrace life, embrace what IS right now. Embrace and enjoy the improvements and let life come as it will.
That’s what I am going to do: embrace my life and let go of my fear. (Ok that’s going to take some work – but it is my goal!)