Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

In the end, one needs more couraqge to live than to kill himself…

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But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.

I can’t really add anything to that.  I know it doesn’t help the depressed.  I know that all too well.  But I’m trying to comfort myself with the fact that I’m couragous in trying to tame my difficulties rather than giving in and taking the “easy” way out.

Yes, I’ve thought about it.  To be frank, I’m on Prozac and the stories they tell, the side effects they mention…that’s true.  Even in non- teens.  I’m well beyond my teen years and I’ve thought more about suicide since I started taking it than before.  I will say to those who might experience similar things: tTALK to YOUR DOCTOR. I have recognized my issues, the issues with Prozac, etc.  I won’t do it because I would never do that to my children or my family – but I know that there are people out there without the support I have, or whatever.  TALK to someone.  Talk to your doctor.  If you are having an increase in these thoughts TALK to someone.  [steps off soapbox!]

Life does scare me these days.  Yes, things are looking up for me…but oddly, happiness seems so fleeting and grief so permanent.  I know now that that is apparently human nature, but … it is difficult to deal with.  I’m working on that.  BOTH are fleeting, BOTH will pass (i.e., “this too shall pass”).  I want to be joyful about recent changes – and I AM to some degree – but I’m almost afraid to let it show.  Afraid it will disappear in a heartbeat.

I think that our recent (two years) experience will change me, has changed me.  I suppose that’s inevitable but I don’t want to be cynical, hardened, bitter.  I don’t want to be a down person, someone who is negative and sees things in a negative light.

Well, all I can do is the best I can do.  I’m happy … right now.  We have a home, it is cozy, and we have jobs.  Our medical issues are being addressed (for the most part).   I am content.  And grateful.


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