Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

Be not afraid of life

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Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

William James

I am really struggling with my depression. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment on Monday – just a general checkup. I think I need to talk to my doctor about the possible side effects of the medicine that I’m on; I think I’m starting to experience them. Maybe a change in medication will help me.

I’m so tired of living like this.  I know that our problems that we are having now are not the worst problems we could have.  We have our health.  We have a roof over our head – for now.  Our kids are healthy.  Our cars are running – for now.  But you know, the worry about how we’re going to buy food, how we’re going to pay the mortgage, how we’re going to keep insurance, and so on is wearing.  This has gone on now for 16 months and there is no end in sight.  After a while the stress takes its toll.

“Be not afraid of life.”  It is times like these that MAKE me afraid of life.  I’m trying to hold on to hope.  Intellectually, I know that this situation cannot go on forever.  Eventually, if we don’t get a job and have things change for the better, then they will change for the worse when we lose our house.  Still, the agony of the waiting is awful.  The not knowing how we’re going to take care of things is awful.  To have two children completely dependent on you and not know these things is a terrible feeling.

On the bright side, the children are too young to be aware of what is going on and understand it.  I’m sure at least our oldest knows we’re not happy, but he’s too young to realize why, and I’m grateful for that.

I need to focus on the good things in my life.  I need to try to get my thoughts out of the dismal, swirling, negative thoughts that seem to dominate my mind.

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