Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

My relationship with my stepfather…part 2

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There is more about my recent trip to visit family.  I know I’m rambling; this topic just gets under my skin.  I think it will be good for me to get this all out.

When we first arrived, my mother told me I should call my stepsister to let her know I was in town.  I was noncommittal.  My stepsister has blown me off a lot in the past.  She’s 6 years older than me and we are on completely different pages.  I was just starting college when she had her son; he just turned 18 before my second child was born.  We are at different stages in life, and we’ve never really had much in common – just the fact our parents married.  Don’t get me wrong; I like her and I get along with her fine.  We just … aren’t friends.  The last time I was down, she cancelled the time we were going to spend together…to go see a band that she sees frequently.  Whatever.  Anyway, I didn’t really get excited about calling her this time.  What’s the point when it probably won’t work out anyway?  Before I could call her, though, she called me.  (I am almost certain that my mother had something to do with that.)  Anyway, she called and we arranged to have dinner together Friday night.  We decided on sushi, a new thing for her.  The next day (Thursday) she called back to say that she needed to cancel dinner; would I mind joining her and her coworkers for sushi for lunch?  It seems that they do that every payday.  You see, she was taking 1/2 a day off to get ready for a NASCAR race on Saturday.  She and her son were leaving at 5 am Saturday morning for a race at 7 pm.  And it was going to take 1/2 a day and all evening to get ready.  Again, I’m playing second fiddle to some outside event.  Whatever.

Anyway, that is just a side issue.  Well, it does impact the relationship with my stepfather apparently.  He seems to make some of his remarks to me after perceived slights on my part to my stepsister.  That is what happened in February of this year, triggering all of this stress on my part and triggering the concern for my by Mom M who overheard his comment.  (If you can make my mother-in-law mad, you are really something – she is a kindhearted person who gives many people the benefit of the doubt.  She’s about had it with my stepfather.)  I backed out of plans with my stepsister because I had forgotten about previously made plans with my sister-in-law.  He took it personally.

I’m just hurt by the things he has said.  In February, he pretty much announced to me that he feels much differently about me than he’s always pretended.  I had no idea that he didn’t think of me as a daughter.  None.  This blindsided me.  I suppose I really wanted a father figure, wanted one so badly that I just read what I wanted to see into the situation.    My goal with these entries is to get this out of my system, at least for now.  I want to think about various memories that are coming back to me that seem to back up my suspicions of him, face the hurt, and get it out.  I want to stop waiting for the next nasty comment.  I want to see where I stand with this relationship.  It has been on a false footing for a very long time now, possibly since the beginning.  I need to look at it long and hard.

I want, still, to think that he loves me.  I still find it hard to believe I could be “part of his family” for 20+ years and he could NOT love me.  I find it hard to understand why a grown man would be jealous of me, and that seems to be the problem: he’s jealous of the time and energy my mother focuses on me and my children.

I keep thinking “I must be overreacting.  This couldn’t be.  He’s such a nice man.”  Well, the comments certainly aren’t nice; one I remember from high school is so bad, I won’t repeat it here.  When I mentioned that one to him later, he denied saying it, but I remember it so clearly it is like it is still ringing in my ears.  I think I’m still trying to deny this to myself, still trying to think of him as a kindly father.  I think part of me wants to continue to be a child and believe; it was certainly easier then.  This complicates so much.

I can’t go back though.  My stepfather has been nasty to me, he has made nasty comments – even in front of witnesses now.  He has treated me far differently from his daughter…and yet, I believed we were family.

I love my mother and I don’t want to put her in the middle or hurt her but I don’t see how to avoid it now.  I don’t think he’s going to stop trying to interfere with her seeing her grandchildren.

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2 thoughts on “My relationship with my stepfather…part 2

  1. I am so sorry that happened to you. Shame on your stepfather for telling you he felt differently about you. I am the only child of a then-single mother who married a man who I guess must have been jealous of me and was never nice to me, all the while showering my mother with love and attention. I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me and that was why he couldn’t like me. Now at 37 I know that he was the one with the problem. Your stepfather sounds like he has some real mental issues and even though you are hurt, you would probably be better off distancing yourself and your children from him as much as possible. He sounds like a mental case.

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  2. Thank you for your support and encouragement. I have decided that I’m going to distance myself as much as I can and be civil but little else when I can’t keep my distance. I do think he’s got issues and they are beyond me. I wish my mother would see it, but … she doesn’t. It sounds like we’ve got similar situations; I truly believe my stepfather is jealous of any time or energy that my mother spends on me and my family. I too am 37; for me, it has taken me this long to recognize what was going on. I guess I wanted a father figure so much that I just believed he’d be a good one. Well, at least I woke up and saw what he was doing. It helped that he was pretty harsh to me in front of my mother-in-law and her twin one night; they both love me and were shocked by what he said and how he said it. Usually he makes these kinds of comments when it is only the two of us. Of course, I now deliberately make it impossible for us to be alone.

    Anyway, I’m glad that you recognized it too; life is hard enough without going through it with unnecessary feelings of having problems that you DON’T have!

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