Being Me…

and discovering that that is quite the roller coaster ride. Wanna come along?

Ugh…I hate this feeling

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My father called today and managed to do something that is completely the opposite, I’m sure, of what he was trying to do: he made me more depressed.  He called to check on us.  My husband has been out of work for over a year and we’ve had a second child in the mean time.  I’ve given up school (how can we afford it right now) and developed carpal tunnel syndrome.

I can’t even really explain how he made me more depressed.  I suppose it was that actually having the conversation forced me to confront the situation bluntly.  On a day to day basis, I suppose that it is fairly easy for me to act like everything is normal and like everything is heading toward a wonderful, happy resolution.  It really isn’t and I suppose I had to face that in the conversation with my father.  Maybe the confrontation is good for me.  Maybe it will force me into whatever action that I can come up with – into doing SOMETHING.  But maybe it just puts more pressure on me.  I don’t know.

I can tell you that it isn’t comfortable.  I’m on medicine for depression already and suddenly today I felt again like I was about to be swamped, flooded by the emotions, the fears, the pain, and so on.  I could feel the tide rising, rising, rising.

I know my father had no intention of doing this to me.  I know that.  No one in the family has, but it keeps happening.  They keep approaching me about the situation, rather than my husband.  Of course, in my father’s case, he really doesn’t know my husband all that well.  I’m sure that’s why he came to me.  Still.  Can’t family give me a break?  I just had a baby two months ago.  I’m still sleep-deprived.  I’m coping with my changing family the best I can.  I’m just so tired.

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