August 12, 2007
I’ve decided that I need to get to know myself. I’ve realized, at 37, that I’m not sure what makes me happy, what I enjoy, what I like, what I don’t like…and so on. Obviously, I know a few things for each but I’ve spent my life being “a good girl”, a “good daughter”, listening to the family and taking their advice and guidance. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but too much of that isn’t good. Maybe this is a “mid-life crisis”; I don’t know. At any rate, I’ve decided it is time to get to know myself.
What prompted this? I’m not really sure. I suppose it was a lot of things that happened at once. I have a two-year-old and a two-month-old. Their birthdays are literally days apart. Before I got pregnant with my oldest, I was laid off from my job (yet another layoff) and was at loose ends. I decided to go back to college and finish my degree – big change. So of course, I promptly got pregnant as well. While pregnant with my firstborn, an aunt died suddenly – within weeks of being diagnosed with lung cancer. An uncle died unexpectedly within months of my son’s birth. While pregnant with my youngest, another aunt (well great-aunt) died. Then, within a month or so of my daughter’s birth, my husband’s grandfather died of cancer. So many changes, so little time…oh, yes, one more huge change: my husband lost his job in July of last year and is still out of work.
I guess I feel like I’ve lost myself. I have decided to keep a blog as opposed to a paper journal through this process. I type faster than I write so I’m hoping that I can get my entries typed in the short bits of time I have with a two-month old. We’ll see if I can keep this going. We’ll see if I actually like the arrangement of a blog versus a paper journal. And for now, I’m going to leave this accessible to others. I doubt that anyone else will find it of interest, but you never know.
Here starts the journey.