Being Me…

So.  I’ll start with Dennis the Menace.  Apparently he moved in with us when I wasn’t looking.  You see, our eldest has now pulled the curtains down - no, not just down but actually OUT OF THE WALL - twice in a week.  He has also discovered he could get in the downstairs bathroom (we’ve fixed that).  Add to that the discovery that nap time and night time are GREAT times for pulling everything out of the dresser and piling it in the bed…and it has been exciting knowing him this week.  (We’re now using a piece of plastic pipe to block him out of the dresser, at least mostly.  He can get a few things out but not everything!)

As for our little miss, she’s having quite a week as well. This one is tough.  She had her first trip to the urgent care place yesterday.  She has had several instances of … odd behavior.  Almost like “mini seizures”.  She tenses up, leans forward a bit (or jerks forward), her arms shake…then it passes and she screams.  She’s responsive afterward, and the first time she calmed down quickly.  Yesterday, she stayed pissed off for quite a while, but didn’t have a second episode that we saw.  The people at the urgent care place told us to take her straight to the ER if the episodes get longer.  They also arranged for her to have an appointment with a pediatric neurologist on Monday; he’ll ( or she’ll) do tests to see if there is any actual seizure activity going on.

What I’m doing now is feeling like the worst mother EVER.  I feel like it is something I did that caused this problem for HRH, although my other half has indeed pointed out that sometimes things just happen.  I am not going to be the cause of everything bad that happens to her and I can’t heap that guilt on myself.  Still.  Suddenly I really realize what it is to want to save your child from everything and just how helpless a parent can feel.  Whatever caused this in Sophie…I can’t stop it, I can’t alter it, I can’t do anything about it.  I’m repeating that to myself, trying to stop stressing myself out completely.

Well, we went home for the holiday this past week…and I am beginning to think they might be right about “you can’t go home again”.  I swear my family is trying to make me crazy.  In three separate conversations, my parents-in-law, who are normally great and very supportive, cornered me and went on and on about our financial state, my husband’s job situation, and what he and/or I should be doing.  Three separate conversations over six days - and always when my husband wasn’t around.

Now, I’ve come to expect these things from my family; it still annoys me and stresses me, but I’ve expected it and started avoiding being alone with them.  I didn’t expect it from my parents-in-law.

I had so hoped that the holidays would be a good escape to the comfort of family.  Our situation is stressful 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I had hoped to get away from it a little.  After all, what could we accomplish over Thanksgiving?  Not much, in truth.  But apparently the parents thought differently.  I finally told the parents-in-law point blank that my anti-depressant wasn’t working anymore and that I thought I’d see my doctor about it.  After that, they kind of backed off.  I really don’t know what they thought they were going to accomplish.  I know they meant well and that they are just worried about me, but all of this coming at me from all directions (except from my brother- and sister-in-law, God bless them) is going to drive me right over the edge.

Add that to the fact that I didn’t sleep well all week and you’ve got the makings of a miserable week.  We’re supposed to go back to see everybody at Christmas.  I don’t think I can deal with it, but if we don’t go, they will just come to us.  Sigh.