Ok, I’m stubborn – I admit it…

But I think I’ve carried it to whole new lengths.  It has taken me about four years to admit that I need help.  I started down the road to depression about four years ago – with the birth of my son.  It wasn’t the birth, exactly – it was the postpartum depression that followed.  And our lives have just been…rocky is one way to put it…since then.

For the most part, I have grit my teeth, stood straight, and carried on like Superwoman.  I’ve been supportive to my husband to husband through his depression to the best of my ability, I have carried on doing all the day to day things as best I could, and so forth.

Well, after four years of trying to “soldier on”, I’m thoroughly exhausted.  I don’t have any reserves anymore and that is a terrible thing for a mother – I started to add as a wife, but my husband is a big boy and he can take care of himself, thankyouverymuch.

This week I am seeking help, help outside of family and friends.  At least I do learn…eventually!  We’ll see where this takes me!

What to work on?

Not to depress myself further, but I have become aware of things about myself that I need to improve.  I’ve got a bit of an anger problem.  I don’t always take criticism well (yes, it particularly irritates me when the criticism isn’t particularly constructive, but I could be more graceful).  I need to exercise more and take better care of myself overall.  And that’s just the start.

Well, now I need a plan.  I can do better, I just have to work at it.  I need to make sure that I’ve got the energy I need to get through the day – AND improve myself.  Lately, I’ve been lucky to get through the day.  So…my eating needs to improve.  Ok.  That’s a good first step.  I also need to get to bed at a better time.  I know that my only quiet time of the day is at night, but I simply have to sleep!   I’m going to try those two things for a week and see how things go.  That might help my anger issues right there – I tend to be rather bear-like when I don’t get enough sleep.

Tired, tired, tired…

I have really been trying to post more frequently but today was just rough. My dear daughter (7 months – almost decided (apparently) that she’s allergic to sleep – she was up every three hours or so last night. Every time I got to a nice, comfortable deep sleep – there she was. I know this will pass – and relatively quickly too. I know this is the last time I’ll be going through this – but boy am I tired.

I have learned that I have a long way to go in terms of patience and the ability to bear tiredness. I try, but I do seem short on patience when I haven’t been able to get any deep sleep.