Being Me…

I have a hard time with this day every year.  You’d think I’d find a way to let go of my issues, adjust my thinking, or whatever.  You see, I have a son who will be 3 in June and a daughter who will be 1 in June.  Yet, the cookies that my mother-in-law gave me today “from the kids” were the first Mother’s Day present I’ve received.  It isn’t that I expect diamonds and a tiara; all I’d like and all I’ve wanted since I found out I was pregnant with both children is recognition of the work that I do to nurture and raise and protect these children.  I thought my husband would take care of providing this while my children were babies; he says I’m not his mother so he’s not buying me a present.  The presents won’t come until the children are big enough to pick them out themselves.  To me that doesn’t make much sense; he may as well wait until they can pay for them themselves as well.  So…what we’ve come to is doing it way and not celebrating Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Every year, I get cards from each of my parents, my parents-in-law, my sister, my sister-in-law, etc.  Each year it reminds me that my husband won’t take the time to pick up a carnation or two, make me some cookies, make me breakfast, or just tell me I’m a good mother.  Not a thing.  I realize that we see this two different ways, but considering this is a day for me, it does seem like he could do things my way for Mother’s Day.  If he doesn’t want me to make a fuss for Father’s Day, by all means, I can do that.

Well, this day of irritation and hurt is almost over again for another year.  I really need to just accept this is the way it is and let go of the hurt.  We’ve talked about this since before our son was born and he doesn’t see my point of view.  He is a good man otherwise so I really can’t complain but I hate having a day feeling like this and spending it surrounded by people celebrating and being happy and so forth.  I hate it when people ask me about my mother’s day because I have to say “We don’t celebrate that.”  The looks I get are certainly odd.  I guess that  I will work out something.  Maybe venting here will be enough to work this out of my system.  God knows that there are much more serious problems out there than my feelings being hurt.   I do realize that - really.  It is just so unusual for my husband and I to be at such odds on a subject.  For him to really completely miss my point.  For him to completely miss how important this was to me and how much it bothers me.

Ok.  This is my vent post.  This is my getting my thoughts, my hurt, my irritation, my puzzlement out of my system.  Tomorrow is another day and I will move on and take care of the serious issues in my life.

We had a trip to Virginia Beach over the past week - that’s why I haven’t posted much recently.  It was fantastic; it was not stressful, it involved a lot of relaxation and just … being.  My family has apparently finally realized that they have been adding to my stress, not relieving it, and they’ve cut it out.  (Thank goodness - I don’t need that kind of help!)

I was able to visit with my brother- and sister-in-law - and that is always good.  I also had a chance to go to Nags Head to see my stepsister at her timeshare.  My mother and I rode down together and the three of us spent the afternoon relaxing and talking; it was wonderful.  Who knows - I might actually be able to develop a good adult relationship with both of them!  That might be wonderful!

I realize now that, despite being a homebody and shy, I do actually need contact with other human beings - other women in particular some times, but people in general.

My two closest female friends and I have been trying to get together at least once a month because we realized that we would easily go 6 months between visits. Considering that we live withing 12 miles of each other, that is pretty sad.

I went out today with one of my friends mentioned above and another (male) friend. My other girl-friend couldn’t make it this month, but we decided we needed to keep our momentum and go out anyway. This is the third month in a row that we’ve gotten together and I feel so much better. I am energized after each of these days, regardless of what we do or how long or short our visit is. I have to admit that the addition of a guy to today’s visit changed the outing a bit, but not in a bad way - we just talked about different things and the atmosphere was a bit different. It was great to catch up with him as well - I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen him since last June.

I do hope that we can keep this going. All of us seem to be in better spirits, less stressed, and laughing more than we were before we started this. Sometimes we vent, sometimes we just talk about things unconnected to our problems, and sometimes we just laugh. All of it is good. I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for time out of the house, and I’m grateful to be reconnecting. I’m grateful that I’ve realized that I too need human interaction beyond that of my immediate family; it is good for me.