Being me…hasn’t been much fun lately

And I think I’ve figured out why.  Now that things are improving in our lives in different ways, I think the three years of really intense stress and loss is catching up with me.  I think my body is finally making me pay for bottling things up, for pushing my fear and hurt and emotion aside to do what had to be done.  At least I know what’s going on now.

Now to figure out how to deal with it, let it out, and still manage to get things done.  After all, work and life aren’t going to stop while I fall apart!

In the end, one needs more couraqge to live than to kill himself…

But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.

Albert Camus

I can’t really add anything to that.  I know it doesn’t help the depressed.  I know that all too well.  But I’m trying to comfort myself with the fact that I’m couragous in trying to tame my difficulties rather than giving in and taking the “easy” way out.

Yes, I’ve thought about it.  To be frank, I’m on Prozac and the stories they tell, the side effects they mention…that’s true.  Even in non- teens.  I’m well beyond my teen years and I’ve thought more about suicide since I started taking it than before.  I will say to those who might experience similar things: tTALK to YOUR DOCTOR. I have recognized my issues, the issues with Prozac, etc.  I won’t do it because I would never do that to my children or my family – but I know that there are people out there without the support I have, or whatever.  TALK to someone.  Talk to your doctor.  If you are having an increase in these thoughts TALK to someone.  [steps off soapbox!]

Life does scare me these days.  Yes, things are looking up for me…but oddly, happiness seems so fleeting and grief so permanent.  I know now that that is apparently human nature, but … it is difficult to deal with.  I’m working on that.  BOTH are fleeting, BOTH will pass (i.e., “this too shall pass”).  I want to be joyful about recent changes – and I AM to some degree – but I’m almost afraid to let it show.  Afraid it will disappear in a heartbeat.

I think that our recent (two years) experience will change me, has changed me.  I suppose that’s inevitable but I don’t want to be cynical, hardened, bitter.  I don’t want to be a down person, someone who is negative and sees things in a negative light.

Well, all I can do is the best I can do.  I’m happy … right now.  We have a home, it is cozy, and we have jobs.  Our medical issues are being addressed (for the most part).   I am content.  And grateful.

Thursday 13 (4th Edition) – Gratitude

13 Things I’m Grateful For

1. I am grateful for my beautiful, loving children.
2. I am grateful for the support and encouragement of my family.
3. I am grateful to have had a wonderful life here.
4. I am grateful for good health.
5. I am grateful for good night’s sleep – when I can get one!
6. I am grateful for beautiful spring days.
7. I am grateful for a hair stylist that does a wonderful job.
8. I am grateful for my life.
9. I am grateful for time to unwind in the evening.
10. I am grateful for a new perspective on what’s important – and what really isn’t.
11. I am grateful for my friends who have really shown me they care.
12. I am grateful for cars that are functional – even if they are old.
13. I am grateful for meals that I haven’t had to cook this week.

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