Being Me…

I’ve moved in with my parents-in-law.  It has been a week now.  My husband will be joining me (and our kids) but he’s getting our townhouse ready to sell.  This is an adventure.  I do love my parents-in-law, but I’ve never lived with anyone else - not since I was a teen.  As an adult, I’ve lived on my own or with my husband - that’s it.  This is going to be educational, I can already tell.

It doesn’t help that I’m tired.  That I’m worried about the way our lives are going.  That I have NO clue what I’m doing.  That I’m just trying to get a job, any job - in a field that I hate.  I just want to get on a better track and get on with trying to solve all of the issues going on right now.  Really, I suppose I need to slow down and take a problem or two at a time, not all of them at once.  Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

One thing I will say:  if someone has had their life crash about their ears, their children both have health issues, and their marriage is strained, telling them (a) it could be worse, (b) well, none of those things are life-threatening, or (c) I know someone with more problems … really, that doesn’t help.  I have begun to feel guilty for having a hard time dealing with my life right now.  That’s ridiculous.  The difficulties of others does not make my life less stressful, less difficult.  It doesn’t make it any easier to watch my daughter have seizures.  Yes, if it is epilepsy (which seems likely), there are drugs to manage it - but it doesn’t make it easier to watch an 11-month-old seize.  People around me lately have been telling me these things.  I know they mean well - I know that there ARE bigger problems in the world (look at China today, Mynamar, all the areas affected by tornados).  That doesn’t mean that the fact that (a) we are jobless, (b) we have two children with health issues, (c) the state has irritating red tape and operates at its own slow pace in terms of getting my children medical insurance, (d) I have NO home now - I have to live with my parents-in-law, and (e) I’m clinically depressed and have been for over a year now  - goes away.  Aargh.  And can I just add that pointing out how much other peoples’ lives suck is a terrible way to go about making someone feel better?

Ok.  I feel better.  I’ve vented a bit.  I know the people around me love me and are worried about me.  I think perhaps I need some time alone - just a little bit - to help regain my composure.  I’ll be fine.  I can do what I have to do and get on with my life.  I just hope that this doesn’t strain all sorts of family relationships in the process…

Our move is becoming more and more of a reality.  Boxes are appearing and being filled.  Our house is becoming more and more chaotic.  The job search is becoming more urgent.  Sigh.  I’m beginning to really FEEL the move - the loss of my home, the change of neighborhood and familiar things, moving away from people I know here.  We’ve lived in this area for 11 years and now I am feeling the loss.

I know that this will be good for us, but I can’t help grieving a bit.

Things are about to change.  We have decided to sell the townhouse and move back “home” - back to where the majority of our families are.  We’ll then have help with the kids, help getting  back on our feet, help and support in any number of ways.  It feels good, it feels like the right decision even if it is a little sad.

I’m going to miss my townhouse, the rooms that I’ve gotten just the way I want them.  I’m going to miss my yard, even though I never arranged it the way I wanted.  I’m going to miss my neighborhood with its nice paths and playgrounds and lake.  I’m going to miss the convenience of everything around me.

It will be ok, though.  We’re finally taking steps in the right direction and moving on with our lives.