Being Me…

I realize now that, despite being a homebody and shy, I do actually need contact with other human beings - other women in particular some times, but people in general.

My two closest female friends and I have been trying to get together at least once a month because we realized that we would easily go 6 months between visits. Considering that we live withing 12 miles of each other, that is pretty sad.

I went out today with one of my friends mentioned above and another (male) friend. My other girl-friend couldn’t make it this month, but we decided we needed to keep our momentum and go out anyway. This is the third month in a row that we’ve gotten together and I feel so much better. I am energized after each of these days, regardless of what we do or how long or short our visit is. I have to admit that the addition of a guy to today’s visit changed the outing a bit, but not in a bad way - we just talked about different things and the atmosphere was a bit different. It was great to catch up with him as well - I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen him since last June.

I do hope that we can keep this going. All of us seem to be in better spirits, less stressed, and laughing more than we were before we started this. Sometimes we vent, sometimes we just talk about things unconnected to our problems, and sometimes we just laugh. All of it is good. I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for time out of the house, and I’m grateful to be reconnecting. I’m grateful that I’ve realized that I too need human interaction beyond that of my immediate family; it is good for me.

I’m a mother with two small children, so I don’t take as much crap as I used to.

Pamela Anderson

This really speaks to me right now. I’ve discovered a new backbone, one might say, since I had my two children.  I don’t know if it is simply that I’m too tired to put up with excessive silliness or pointless wastes of time, or that I’ve actually grown, but the end result is that I just don’t tolerate it anymore.  Well, my tolerance level for it is much, much lower now.  I’m not rude about it; I just simply stand up and say, “You know what?  That’s about enough of that!”

I’ve started drawing boundaries with my mother and stepfather, who seem bound and determined to drive me mad.  I swear it is just like having children; they’ve pushed me and pushed me and pushed me, like children trying to found out just how much they can get away with.  It is a wonderful thing to discover that I can indeed say, “Hey, enough!  This isn’t good for me and it is going to stop”, even to my parents.  Not only is the new me good for my mental health - it is giving me more self-respect.

Happiness is a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. Nathaniel Hawthorne

I’ve really had a hard time lately. It seems like the depression is overcoming even the medicine that I’m on. I’m trying so hard to keep myself busy, get exercise, eat reasonably healthily, and so on. I try to get a reasonable amount of sleep. I’ve tried everything I can think of to fight the stress and so on. I’ve got to work on my attitude.

I’ve always been told, “God helps those who help themselves.” I am putting out my resume now, trying to get a job that I definitely don’t want. As I said earlier, I am trying all sorts of things to keep me going in the mean time. Maybe I’m fighting the current flow of my life too hard. Maybe I need to work on accepting the fact that I may go back to work. Maybe I need to stop looking for happiness and stop fighting my current situation so hard.

That doesn’t sound right; I’m not sure anyone else would understand what I’m talking about. I don’t mean that I should stop looking for work, or stop exercising, or stop trying to get more sleep, and so forth. I mean that I’m fighting getting a job, I’m fighting giving up school, I’m fighting being the strong one for now. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m being selfish right now, more so than I had realized. I don’t know. I don’t know what the answer is, but adjusting my attitude can’t hurt.