Being Me…

We had a trip to Virginia Beach over the past week - that’s why I haven’t posted much recently.  It was fantastic; it was not stressful, it involved a lot of relaxation and just … being.  My family has apparently finally realized that they have been adding to my stress, not relieving it, and they’ve cut it out.  (Thank goodness - I don’t need that kind of help!)

I was able to visit with my brother- and sister-in-law - and that is always good.  I also had a chance to go to Nags Head to see my stepsister at her timeshare.  My mother and I rode down together and the three of us spent the afternoon relaxing and talking; it was wonderful.  Who knows - I might actually be able to develop a good adult relationship with both of them!  That might be wonderful!

I know that it is necessary to, well, work for things that you want. I know that there is a lot of work involved in life, but you know, I realized recently that I need to have more fun in my life. I feel like I’m just waiting….waiting…waiting…for something. Waiting for my husband to get a job. Waiting for a job for myself. Waiting to go back to school. Waiting to see what is going on with my son. Waiting to get over a cold - the second of this winter, which is highly unusual for me. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

And stressing, stressing, stressing. Everything about my life is up in the air right now. Yes, I am looking for work. Yes, it is possible I will have to sell my townhouse and move out of the area. Yes, it looks like I’m going to lose my insurance in a month. Yes, my husband is having trouble getting work and is as depressed as I am.

Surely in the midst of this I can find a way to have SOME fun. I have two children. I should be able to enjoy some of these early days, even under these circumstances.  I feel somewhat childish saying, “I wanna have some fun” but I need some relief from (a) the grey winter days and (b) the stresses of my life.    I read a book almost cover to cover today (a mystery by Andrew Greeley) for fun and it felt so very, very good.  I loved every word of the book.  I read it while I held my daughter as she slept; it was nice just to stop everything else, hold her, and enjoy a book.  I need to find a way to do this more seriously in my life right now.  I thought I had been, but I think I’ve been rushing through that as well - not taking good enough care of myself through these tough times.   I think I’m falling back into old patterns of neglecting myself in tough times.

I realize now that, despite being a homebody and shy, I do actually need contact with other human beings - other women in particular some times, but people in general.

My two closest female friends and I have been trying to get together at least once a month because we realized that we would easily go 6 months between visits. Considering that we live withing 12 miles of each other, that is pretty sad.

I went out today with one of my friends mentioned above and another (male) friend. My other girl-friend couldn’t make it this month, but we decided we needed to keep our momentum and go out anyway. This is the third month in a row that we’ve gotten together and I feel so much better. I am energized after each of these days, regardless of what we do or how long or short our visit is. I have to admit that the addition of a guy to today’s visit changed the outing a bit, but not in a bad way - we just talked about different things and the atmosphere was a bit different. It was great to catch up with him as well - I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen him since last June.

I do hope that we can keep this going. All of us seem to be in better spirits, less stressed, and laughing more than we were before we started this. Sometimes we vent, sometimes we just talk about things unconnected to our problems, and sometimes we just laugh. All of it is good. I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for time out of the house, and I’m grateful to be reconnecting. I’m grateful that I’ve realized that I too need human interaction beyond that of my immediate family; it is good for me.