Moving myself to the top of the list….

Well, actually – I suppose I’m returning to at least one that I thought I had achieved.  I have decided that I need to give myself more time – that is, I need to do something nice for myself everyday again.  I have apparently just stopped taking care of myself, stopped doing what I need to do to restore myself so that I can take good care of my family.

Friends of mine rescued me this weekend, swooping in just as the last of my strength gave out.  They took me out, fed me and comforted me, listened to me and let me vent, let me get some of the poison, the fear, the anger, and the resentment out.   They took some of the load off of my shoulders for a while and let me catch my breath.

So…I am, with prodding occasionally from my friends, going to do better.  I am going to set aside time for myself every day.  I am adding myself to my “to do list” – adding a block of time, even if it is short, to my schedule that is all mine.

In addition, I am also going to find a therapist.  I believe that I need help now, and I believe that my medication needs changing.   So I have determined that, like it or not, I need to seek someone to help me though this, someone with training.  We’ll see how this goes.

Time out with the girls is just what the doctor ordered…

I realize now that, despite being a homebody and shy, I do actually need contact with other human beings – other women in particular some times, but people in general.

My two closest female friends and I have been trying to get together at least once a month because we realized that we would easily go 6 months between visits. Considering that we live withing 12 miles of each other, that is pretty sad.

I went out today with one of my friends mentioned above and another (male) friend. My other girl-friend couldn’t make it this month, but we decided we needed to keep our momentum and go out anyway. This is the third month in a row that we’ve gotten together and I feel so much better. I am energized after each of these days, regardless of what we do or how long or short our visit is. I have to admit that the addition of a guy to today’s visit changed the outing a bit, but not in a bad way – we just talked about different things and the atmosphere was a bit different. It was great to catch up with him as well – I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen him since last June.

I do hope that we can keep this going. All of us seem to be in better spirits, less stressed, and laughing more than we were before we started this. Sometimes we vent, sometimes we just talk about things unconnected to our problems, and sometimes we just laugh. All of it is good. I’m grateful for my friends, I’m grateful for time out of the house, and I’m grateful to be reconnecting. I’m grateful that I’ve realized that I too need human interaction beyond that of my immediate family; it is good for me.

Having a wonderful visit…

Well, I guess I should rephrase that. I am having a wonderful time, but that is largely because I’m getting out of the house a bit, running some errands, FINALLY getting my hair cut, and so forth. So … the visiting has been sparse, really.

We did stay up until long after my normal bed time last night talking, which was great. I’ve not had a chance to talk like that with my mother in a long, long time. I miss that. I think my mother and I would be great friends now if she had more freedom from my stepfather; he tends to keep her close and very busy, and he has for two decades plus now. Still, we are closer now that we have been for a long time. I have hope that this will continue to improve. (Sadly, lately we’ve been bonding over our common problem: depression.)

My husband and I, as I said, went out and about today, running a number of errands that we really needed to do. It was so much easier since we could leave the children with the grandparents. Yeah, one of us could stay home with the kids – and we’ll do that most of the time – but we really enjoyed a little bit of freedom together, even if it wasn’t exciting stuff that we were doing. Just being together and talking to each other was nice.

I think I’ve really missed talking. My friends are not around much these days. My family has been a problem recently, plus they are not nearby. I see my husband all day, every day (since he’s been out of work for over a year), but you know, sometimes you want a friend to talk to, or another woman, or just someone outside of your current situation. A change of conversation, kind of like getting out of town for a few days for a change of scenery.

Anyway, this visit has been very nice on multiple levels. I’ve loved getting out of the house and I’ve loved being in it (for the conversation and change of pace). It has been very nice and very relaxing.