Being Me…

I love my family.  Don’t get me wrong.  It is just that right now they all seem to be out to make sure I’m depressed…or insane.  Whichever, apparently.  Three days ago, my mother, in what should have been a simple, friendly conversation, calmly said something to me almost as an aside, that plunged me deep, deep, deep back into the depression that I thought I was working my way out of.  I’m back on medication and I’m no longer feeling like jumping off the nearest bridge.  (Can I just point out that if she thought she was helping, that is help that I can do completely without thankyouverymuch!)

Tonight my father called.  He means well and most of the time our conversations are ok.  Most of the time - notice that phrase.  Tonight he again assumed that my son (our oldest) is autistic.  He calmly told me that there is disability thing for Social Security for autism.  He thought that would help us out.  I paused.  This is not the first time that he’s mentioned autism and our son in the same breath.  This is also not the first time I’ve told him that our son has not been diagnosed as autistic and that i see no qualities in him (nor do his doctors) that indicate autism.  I’ve got enough going on right now with my seizure-suffering daughter without him adding this.   I’m just speechless.

Right now I have no desire to speak to either of my parents.  And I’m living with my parent’s-in-law and that has its own set of issues.  I’m going to be stark raving mad by the time we get through all of this crap, aren’t I?

I have failed many times, and that is why I am a success. Michael Jordan

This quote means quite a bit to me right now.  I know that my family and I really need to move back in with my parents-in-law right now; I understand that it is necessary.  However, it feels like such a tremendous failure, failure on a level I’ve not experienced before.  I’m trying to keep my head up and keep moving to get my life back on a semi-normal path, but this really stinks.

I appreciate the kindness and encouragement of my family, including my parents-in-law.  This is a huge adjustment to them as well and they are taking right in stride.  Still, I look forward to getting back into my own house again.

I’m looking at this quote from Michael Jordan and trying to use it to encourage myself.   If I can learn from this, and grow, than this experience won’t really be a failure.  It will have served its purpose.  Now, I just need to figure out what I can learn from what I’m going through now.

I’ve moved in with my parents-in-law.  It has been a week now.  My husband will be joining me (and our kids) but he’s getting our townhouse ready to sell.  This is an adventure.  I do love my parents-in-law, but I’ve never lived with anyone else - not since I was a teen.  As an adult, I’ve lived on my own or with my husband - that’s it.  This is going to be educational, I can already tell.

It doesn’t help that I’m tired.  That I’m worried about the way our lives are going.  That I have NO clue what I’m doing.  That I’m just trying to get a job, any job - in a field that I hate.  I just want to get on a better track and get on with trying to solve all of the issues going on right now.  Really, I suppose I need to slow down and take a problem or two at a time, not all of them at once.  Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

One thing I will say:  if someone has had their life crash about their ears, their children both have health issues, and their marriage is strained, telling them (a) it could be worse, (b) well, none of those things are life-threatening, or (c) I know someone with more problems … really, that doesn’t help.  I have begun to feel guilty for having a hard time dealing with my life right now.  That’s ridiculous.  The difficulties of others does not make my life less stressful, less difficult.  It doesn’t make it any easier to watch my daughter have seizures.  Yes, if it is epilepsy (which seems likely), there are drugs to manage it - but it doesn’t make it easier to watch an 11-month-old seize.  People around me lately have been telling me these things.  I know they mean well - I know that there ARE bigger problems in the world (look at China today, Mynamar, all the areas affected by tornados).  That doesn’t mean that the fact that (a) we are jobless, (b) we have two children with health issues, (c) the state has irritating red tape and operates at its own slow pace in terms of getting my children medical insurance, (d) I have NO home now - I have to live with my parents-in-law, and (e) I’m clinically depressed and have been for over a year now  - goes away.  Aargh.  And can I just add that pointing out how much other peoples’ lives suck is a terrible way to go about making someone feel better?

Ok.  I feel better.  I’ve vented a bit.  I know the people around me love me and are worried about me.  I think perhaps I need some time alone - just a little bit - to help regain my composure.  I’ll be fine.  I can do what I have to do and get on with my life.  I just hope that this doesn’t strain all sorts of family relationships in the process…