Being Me…

I’ve moved in with my parents-in-law.  It has been a week now.  My husband will be joining me (and our kids) but he’s getting our townhouse ready to sell.  This is an adventure.  I do love my parents-in-law, but I’ve never lived with anyone else - not since I was a teen.  As an adult, I’ve lived on my own or with my husband - that’s it.  This is going to be educational, I can already tell.

It doesn’t help that I’m tired.  That I’m worried about the way our lives are going.  That I have NO clue what I’m doing.  That I’m just trying to get a job, any job - in a field that I hate.  I just want to get on a better track and get on with trying to solve all of the issues going on right now.  Really, I suppose I need to slow down and take a problem or two at a time, not all of them at once.  Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

One thing I will say:  if someone has had their life crash about their ears, their children both have health issues, and their marriage is strained, telling them (a) it could be worse, (b) well, none of those things are life-threatening, or (c) I know someone with more problems … really, that doesn’t help.  I have begun to feel guilty for having a hard time dealing with my life right now.  That’s ridiculous.  The difficulties of others does not make my life less stressful, less difficult.  It doesn’t make it any easier to watch my daughter have seizures.  Yes, if it is epilepsy (which seems likely), there are drugs to manage it - but it doesn’t make it easier to watch an 11-month-old seize.  People around me lately have been telling me these things.  I know they mean well - I know that there ARE bigger problems in the world (look at China today, Mynamar, all the areas affected by tornados).  That doesn’t mean that the fact that (a) we are jobless, (b) we have two children with health issues, (c) the state has irritating red tape and operates at its own slow pace in terms of getting my children medical insurance, (d) I have NO home now - I have to live with my parents-in-law, and (e) I’m clinically depressed and have been for over a year now  - goes away.  Aargh.  And can I just add that pointing out how much other peoples’ lives suck is a terrible way to go about making someone feel better?

Ok.  I feel better.  I’ve vented a bit.  I know the people around me love me and are worried about me.  I think perhaps I need some time alone - just a little bit - to help regain my composure.  I’ll be fine.  I can do what I have to do and get on with my life.  I just hope that this doesn’t strain all sorts of family relationships in the process…

Is doing better, apparently.  She has occasional “seizures” (for lack of a better word).  And they are coming less frequently.  My parents have been here since Sunday - and that has been an incredible comfort.

This week we are going to have our daughter tested.  She will be having an EEG - sigh.  The stress is unbelievable.

You know, I’m really, really, REALLY tired of ERs.  No offense to the folks who work there - the people I talked to last night/this morning were great.  I’m just tired of being there in the wee hours.  I made a run to the ER last night with our sweet daughter at 9:30 last night and was there until 3:30 this morning.  Sigh.  She has had multiple “seizure-like” episodes this week, once a day until yesterday when she had THREE.

Our daughter (10 months as of two days ago) seems to be doing ok this morning.  My husband says that she hasn’t had any episodes this morning, which is good.  She’s calm and resting a bit on the floor right now.

Our son (2-1/2) is, thankfully, oblivious of all of this.  He slept through all the excitement and life is going on as normal for him.  Yay for normalcy!

I feel like I’ve been run over.  I was in bed around 4, then back up around 5 to feed little miss, then back in bed.  Ah well… this too shall pass.  She has an appointment tomorrow at 11 am with a pediatric neurologist and we’ re ALL hoping to know something more after that.