Being Me…

And I’m feeling…well, optimistic isn’t quite it.  I guess it is more like I’m feeling productive.  I submitted my resume for three jobs last night, I’ve got plans to continue the job search this week, I also have plans involving both children.  I feel like I’ve got purpose and direction this week.

I guess that that is really part of my problem lately.  I haven’t felt like I had any direction at all.  It is possible to give that to myself, I just have to work on it.  I’ve had a “to-do” list and I generally do an okay job of following it and checking things off, but perhaps I need to really focus on what needs to be done.  I need to motivate myself to get up and get moving.

It is easy to say that, to recognize the need for motivation.  How do you actually go about motivating yourself when you have no concrete schedule?  I guess I need to try making a concrete schedule.  Just because I don’t currently have one doesn’t mean that I can’t make one.  If I can just get up and moving and get started on the things that I need to do, I think I’d feel motivated and encouraged by seeing progress.

I think I’m going to start by trying to get up at the same time every day and go to bed at the same time.  Hopefully, that will regulate my sleep a bit and get my body back into a normal  rhythm and give me more energy.

Next, I am going to break down some of my projects and goals into smaller steps and work on them every day.  I think if I can start checking things off and see some progress, I will be encouraged to keep going.

Last, as I achieve the goals that I have, I’m going to reward myself.  The rewards may not be big and they may not involve spending money (or they may, depending) but I am sure that I can find something to reward myself with that will make me want to keep going.

I feel slightly silly working this out this way, but if it helps me get myself moving again, it can’t be bad.  I hope this works.  I really need to get motivated again.

People keep finding this blog by searching for that.  I’m just so sorry.  It makes me feel so bad.  I’m tired of being me some days as well, but you know, the overall outlook is good.  Some days I’d really like to run away and join the circus, or move to England, change my name and my appearance….something.  But when I really look at things more closely, I love my husband, I love my two children…

I cannot imagine life without either my husband or my children.  Sure, there are days I think perhaps I could get more sleep and keep a neater house if only…but you know, my husband is a sweet person (basically), and my children … well, they’re precious.  Their sweet little faces light up when I walk in the room.  Today, my daughter grinned and held out her arms to me when I returned from an interview.  How do you NOT respond to that?

I wish I could encourage the people finding this blog by searching that phrase.  Give it some some. Get some sleep.  Make sure you are taking care of yourself.  Sometimes, given a little time, things don’t look quite so bad.  Everything will pass, given a little time - including happy events.  Hang in there.

I’m trying to just keep moving.  Maybe if I do that, if I can just get myself motivated to take the first steps toward a project, I can pull myself out of this rut I’m falling into again.  It seems like every time I take two steps forward, I slide backward three.

I had been so hopeful after my husband completed some projects and called the doctor to make an appointment, but now he seems to have slipped back into apathy.  Sigh.  I understand the depression; I’m already on antidepressants.  I just wish he could just go to the doctor already!  I suppose it is just that this has been going on for so long now.  His appointment is for later this week - if I can just grit my teeth and be patient.

So.  Onward and upward.  This week, I want to work on my son’s afghan that I started several months ago.  It is time to get it finished.  I also want to clean the house thoroughly, straighten my desk, and file my papers.  (Ok, I admit it - with the housework, want is probably the wrong word…but it does need to be done!)

Also, my father and stepmother will be visiting this week.  That should be nice.  Their last visit was far less stress-inducing than I had anticipated so I think this one will be very nice and I’m not dreading it like I did the last.