Being Me…

Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

William James

I am really struggling with my depression. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment on Monday - just a general checkup. I think I need to talk to my doctor about the possible side effects of the medicine that I’m on; I think I’m starting to experience them. Maybe a change in medication will help me.

I’m so tired of living like this.  I know that our problems that we are having now are not the worst problems we could have.  We have our health.  We have a roof over our head - for now.  Our kids are healthy.  Our cars are running - for now.  But you know, the worry about how we’re going to buy food, how we’re going to pay the mortgage, how we’re going to keep insurance, and so on is wearing.  This has gone on now for 16 months and there is no end in sight.  After a while the stress takes its toll.

“Be not afraid of life.”  It is times like these that MAKE me afraid of life.  I’m trying to hold on to hope.  Intellectually, I know that this situation cannot go on forever.  Eventually, if we don’t get a job and have things change for the better, then they will change for the worse when we lose our house.  Still, the agony of the waiting is awful.  The not knowing how we’re going to take care of things is awful.  To have two children completely dependent on you and not know these things is a terrible feeling.

On the bright side, the children are too young to be aware of what is going on and understand it.  I’m sure at least our oldest knows we’re not happy, but he’s too young to realize why, and I’m grateful for that.

I need to focus on the good things in my life.  I need to try to get my thoughts out of the dismal, swirling, negative thoughts that seem to dominate my mind.

Well, we went home for the holiday this past week…and I am beginning to think they might be right about “you can’t go home again”.  I swear my family is trying to make me crazy.  In three separate conversations, my parents-in-law, who are normally great and very supportive, cornered me and went on and on about our financial state, my husband’s job situation, and what he and/or I should be doing.  Three separate conversations over six days - and always when my husband wasn’t around.

Now, I’ve come to expect these things from my family; it still annoys me and stresses me, but I’ve expected it and started avoiding being alone with them.  I didn’t expect it from my parents-in-law.

I had so hoped that the holidays would be a good escape to the comfort of family.  Our situation is stressful 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I had hoped to get away from it a little.  After all, what could we accomplish over Thanksgiving?  Not much, in truth.  But apparently the parents thought differently.  I finally told the parents-in-law point blank that my anti-depressant wasn’t working anymore and that I thought I’d see my doctor about it.  After that, they kind of backed off.  I really don’t know what they thought they were going to accomplish.  I know they meant well and that they are just worried about me, but all of this coming at me from all directions (except from my brother- and sister-in-law, God bless them) is going to drive me right over the edge.

Add that to the fact that I didn’t sleep well all week and you’ve got the makings of a miserable week.  We’re supposed to go back to see everybody at Christmas.  I don’t think I can deal with it, but if we don’t go, they will just come to us.  Sigh.

I’m trying to just keep moving.  Maybe if I do that, if I can just get myself motivated to take the first steps toward a project, I can pull myself out of this rut I’m falling into again.  It seems like every time I take two steps forward, I slide backward three.

I had been so hopeful after my husband completed some projects and called the doctor to make an appointment, but now he seems to have slipped back into apathy.  Sigh.  I understand the depression; I’m already on antidepressants.  I just wish he could just go to the doctor already!  I suppose it is just that this has been going on for so long now.  His appointment is for later this week - if I can just grit my teeth and be patient.

So.  Onward and upward.  This week, I want to work on my son’s afghan that I started several months ago.  It is time to get it finished.  I also want to clean the house thoroughly, straighten my desk, and file my papers.  (Ok, I admit it - with the housework, want is probably the wrong word…but it does need to be done!)

Also, my father and stepmother will be visiting this week.  That should be nice.  Their last visit was far less stress-inducing than I had anticipated so I think this one will be very nice and I’m not dreading it like I did the last.