Being Me…

Well, not only is my life changing rapidly, apparently so is WordPress!  I know I hadn’t been on much lately, but really…what a shock.  Nothing is where I left it!

Well, like everything else, I’m sure I’ll get used to this - I just could have used a “heads up”.  I guess that wouldn’t have really altered anything, but I’ve got enough surprises in my life these days.  Oh well…I’ll get over it.

I do think that I am going to like this, once I get used to things and figure out how to do things I used to do so easily.  I’d like to think I’m flexible enough to change and adapt and move on, easily and preferably without complaint.  Inflexibility in life isn’t a good thing.

I’m having a wonderful visit with family this weekend, really the first in a long while.  The last few visits have been marred by stress about dealing with my stepfather and my baby daughter not sleeping well.  This time things seem to have improved.

Well, I guess I should clarify.  The first night my daughter (8 months) slept about 8 hours total - not all in a row either.  My total sleep over the course of the night was about 5 hours (not in a row, unfortunately!).  Last night was a vast improvement, despite the fact that I was completely paranoid about the possibility of her waking up.  I actually got a good night of sleep!

As for my stepfather, this visit is improved because I’ve not been around him much.  Add that to the fact that for the first time in a very long time I’ve been free to visit with my mother alone (well, without him) and you’ve got the makings of a good visit.  It has been so wonderful to be able to freely talk with my mother and to see her freely enjoying time with her grandchildren.  It seems like most visits, my stepfather finds reasons to keep her away from them - not this time.  Yay!

It has been a relaxed visit, which has been good for me and my husband, as well as all of the family.  We’ve had wonderful home-cooked meals, rather than trying to rush around eating out or visiting a lot of folks over meals at restaurants.  It has been a slower pace and that has been great.  My husband has managed to get out two nights now to see friends (and his brother), which is great for him.

I am beginning to see that there are two things that I need more of in my life and both of them surprise me.  I need family visits more than I thought.  I’ve been pretty independent since I was in my late teens.  When my husband and I moved to the northern part of the state about 4 hours away from family, I never looked back.  I never experienced homesickness.  Now, I’m finding that I want a better relationship with my mother.  I want to see my aunts and uncles a bit more.  Maybe it is the fact that I’m a mother now.  I don’t know - but it is an interesting change after all these years.

The second thing that I’ve noticed that surprises me is that  I need to get out among people.  I am an introvert and generally speaking, I’m happy at home.  Working in offices stresses me and I used to go home and just try to shut out the world.  Well, I’ve been a homemaker for about 4 years now (also a college student for 3 of those years).  Since I stopped taking college classes, I’ve been pretty isolated.  I realize now that I do need contact with the outside world.  I’ve been out of classes for two semesters and I am ready to get back in touch with the world.  My friends and I are starting to get back together - for now, it is once a month - and it means more to me than I can say.  I think I’m going to put more effort into finding a play group or a Mom’s group to join.

Of course, I am trying to find a job.  When I get one, that will certainly change my contact with the world situation.  We shall see if I approach it differently now that I’ve been out of things for so long.

You know, I really should have done this some time ago - learned to stand up for myself.  Learned to say something when people make me uncomfortable.  Learned to say something when I think people are crossing boundaries they shouldn’t cross.

I’ve always tried to be the “good girl”, the obedient daughter, the quiet and non-troublesome child (ok, haven’t been a child for some time now - but let’s just let that go).  I’ve listened to my elders and pretty much trusted their judgement above my own as long as I can remember.  Sometimes that’s not a problem; in fact, sometimes, that is an excellent plan.  However, I took it to a new level and just tried to avoid confrontations and uncomfortable explanations.

I have finally told my family that I need them to give me some space.  I need them to stop asking so many questions about my job situation and just let me enjoy the holiday.  They have been badgering me - and not my husband, who lost his job over a year ago - constantly with questions.  I know they do it out of love.  I know that they are concerned.  But they also pepper me with “you should do this, “  “he should do that,” and so on.  The advice comes from all directions and is frequently contradictory - that is, what I am hearing from one set of parents is completely the opposite of what I am hearing from another.

So far, the results of my request seem mixed.  My parents-in-law are being sensible and respectful; they are doing as I asked, quietly without complaint.  (Well, I assume the no-complaint part; I’m hearing a bit of this back from my sister-in-law, so it is indirect.)  My father seems to be doing the same, but he had told me earlier to let him know if he crossed boundaries, so I expected that reaction.  My mother, on the other hand, seems to have gotten into a snit.  She sent me an email that was fairly brusque.  I’m trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and look at the thing with a kinder eye, since it is difficult to interpret “tone” properly in an email, but from what I know of my mother, I believe my interpretation of her email is correct and that she’s being snide.  Oh well.

I simply cannot live my life by everyone else’s rules, expectations, etc.  I cannot expect to make everyone around me happy - and I don’t want to try anymore.  And  I don’t see the problem in letting people around me know that I’m no longer comfortable.  I am surprisingly comfortable with having done this, despite my mother.