I’ve moved in with my parents-in-law.  It has been a week now.  My husband will be joining me (and our kids) but he’s getting our townhouse ready to sell.  This is an adventure.  I do love my parents-in-law, but I’ve never lived with anyone else - not since I was a teen.  As an adult, I’ve lived on my own or with my husband - that’s it.  This is going to be educational, I can already tell.

It doesn’t help that I’m tired.  That I’m worried about the way our lives are going.  That I have NO clue what I’m doing.  That I’m just trying to get a job, any job - in a field that I hate.  I just want to get on a better track and get on with trying to solve all of the issues going on right now.  Really, I suppose I need to slow down and take a problem or two at a time, not all of them at once.  Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

One thing I will say:  if someone has had their life crash about their ears, their children both have health issues, and their marriage is strained, telling them (a) it could be worse, (b) well, none of those things are life-threatening, or (c) I know someone with more problems … really, that doesn’t help.  I have begun to feel guilty for having a hard time dealing with my life right now.  That’s ridiculous.  The difficulties of others does not make my life less stressful, less difficult.  It doesn’t make it any easier to watch my daughter have seizures.  Yes, if it is epilepsy (which seems likely), there are drugs to manage it - but it doesn’t make it easier to watch an 11-month-old seize.  People around me lately have been telling me these things.  I know they mean well - I know that there ARE bigger problems in the world (look at China today, Mynamar, all the areas affected by tornados).  That doesn’t mean that the fact that (a) we are jobless, (b) we have two children with health issues, (c) the state has irritating red tape and operates at its own slow pace in terms of getting my children medical insurance, (d) I have NO home now - I have to live with my parents-in-law, and (e) I’m clinically depressed and have been for over a year now  - goes away.  Aargh.  And can I just add that pointing out how much other peoples’ lives suck is a terrible way to go about making someone feel better?

Ok.  I feel better.  I’ve vented a bit.  I know the people around me love me and are worried about me.  I think perhaps I need some time alone - just a little bit - to help regain my composure.  I’ll be fine.  I can do what I have to do and get on with my life.  I just hope that this doesn’t strain all sorts of family relationships in the process…

5/12/08

• 4:05 am - typical night-time episode complete with loud scream. Passed quickly though - within 5 minutes she was calm and back in bed.
• 8:20+ - a few head jerks
• Afternoon - head jerks, no screaming, passed very quickly

5/13/08

• 6:24 am - screamed, a head-jerk, then it was over and she calmed down and went to sleep.
• 7:35 am - a head-jerk or two, then it was over.  She leaned against me for a few minutes then wanted down to play.

I have a hard time with this day every year.  You’d think I’d find a way to let go of my issues, adjust my thinking, or whatever.  You see, I have a son who will be 3 in June and a daughter who will be 1 in June.  Yet, the cookies that my mother-in-law gave me today “from the kids” were the first Mother’s Day present I’ve received.  It isn’t that I expect diamonds and a tiara; all I’d like and all I’ve wanted since I found out I was pregnant with both children is recognition of the work that I do to nurture and raise and protect these children.  I thought my husband would take care of providing this while my children were babies; he says I’m not his mother so he’s not buying me a present.  The presents won’t come until the children are big enough to pick them out themselves.  To me that doesn’t make much sense; he may as well wait until they can pay for them themselves as well.  So…what we’ve come to is doing it way and not celebrating Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Every year, I get cards from each of my parents, my parents-in-law, my sister, my sister-in-law, etc.  Each year it reminds me that my husband won’t take the time to pick up a carnation or two, make me some cookies, make me breakfast, or just tell me I’m a good mother.  Not a thing.  I realize that we see this two different ways, but considering this is a day for me, it does seem like he could do things my way for Mother’s Day.  If he doesn’t want me to make a fuss for Father’s Day, by all means, I can do that.

Well, this day of irritation and hurt is almost over again for another year.  I really need to just accept this is the way it is and let go of the hurt.  We’ve talked about this since before our son was born and he doesn’t see my point of view.  He is a good man otherwise so I really can’t complain but I hate having a day feeling like this and spending it surrounded by people celebrating and being happy and so forth.  I hate it when people ask me about my mother’s day because I have to say “We don’t celebrate that.”  The looks I get are certainly odd.  I guess that  I will work out something.  Maybe venting here will be enough to work this out of my system.  God knows that there are much more serious problems out there than my feelings being hurt.   I do realize that - really.  It is just so unusual for my husband and I to be at such odds on a subject.  For him to really completely miss my point.  For him to completely miss how important this was to me and how much it bothers me.

Ok.  This is my vent post.  This is my getting my thoughts, my hurt, my irritation, my puzzlement out of my system.  Tomorrow is another day and I will move on and take care of the serious issues in my life.

5/9/08 Friday

• 7:00 am or so: another event; it was mild but she screamed. After a few minutes, she calmed and went back to sleep.
• 9:45 am - several brief head-jerking episodes. After that, (10 am or so), had breakfast and medicine.
• 3:45 pm - minor seizure with head-jerking, several times in a row. Over in a few minutes.

5/10/08

• No nighttime, post-bedtime seizure

5/11/08

• 8:30 am - small seizure, screamed once and several head-jerks, but over very quickly
• 9:08 am - small seizure, no screaming (barely disturbed her), 3 headjerks
• 6:15 pm - small, no screaming. Multiple headjerks - 3-4.
• 7:45 pm or so - cried loudly, but if it was a seizure it was over very quickly. I picked her up and she cried once or twice, then put her thumb in her mouth and laid her head on my shoulder and went back to sleep.

And I can feel it.  I’m in the midst of a move, health issues with my daughter, development issues with my son, financial struggles, the search for work, the search for health insurance…and I’ve had this on a back burner.  (Go figure…how many FRONT burners does one person have?)

But I can feel it.  I feel better when I write, journal, whatever - whether it is actually written or typed.  I feel better if I take some time during the day to write out what I need to remember, what is worrying me, what I need to do or take care of, plan things out, or simply vent.  I really need to do this right now - surely 5-10-15 minutes a day is doable.

Our move is becoming more and more of a reality.  Boxes are appearing and being filled.  Our house is becoming more and more chaotic.  The job search is becoming more urgent.  Sigh.  I’m beginning to really FEEL the move - the loss of my home, the change of neighborhood and familiar things, moving away from people I know here.  We’ve lived in this area for 11 years and now I am feeling the loss.

I know that this will be good for us, but I can’t help grieving a bit.

Ok. This one is tough - 13 places that I have visited and what I liked about each? Hmm…this requires a bit of thought.

1. Cape Cod:  I stayed in a time share in Mash Pea.  It was a wonderful experience despite the fact that I came down with sinusitus and bronchitus.  The New England clam chowder - the honest-to-goodness clam chowder - is out of this world.  I loved the scenery, the food, the people.
2. Orlando, FL:  I’ve stayed in a time share (my parents-in-law) a number of times.  I’ve had a terrific time down there, though I realized that I don’t want to live in FL again.  What I liked about my stays is that we were close to everything, including SeaWorld (my favorite place down there).
3. New Orleans, LA: I visited New Orleans when I was much, much younger - for a World’s Fair.  It was a fantastic experience: lots of action, color, music, food.  Looking back, I realize we didn’t even get into the history of the area, the old houses, the architecture and so much more.  I have to go back some day.
4. St. Augustine, FL:  A beautiful, beautiful place.  I didn’t get a chance to spend much time there, just a few days, so I want to go back.  I believe that this is the oldest city in the US and there is so much history.  I loved the history of the place, the architecture, the atmosphere.
5. Chattanoga, TN: I visited Chattanoga several times with my father.  I absolutely LOVE the aquarium there; it is beyond words, really.  I cannot recommend this enough for people that are fascinated by ocean life.
6. Murfeesboro, NC: This wasn’t a voluntary visit, exactly.  I went there in high school for band camp.  I can’t say that it is a hotbed of activity, but the people there are definitely charming.  It is a family environment and the picture of “small town America.”
7. Williamsburg, VA:  In terms of history, this is a great place to visit.  I love to walk around Colonial Williamsburg and get a glimpse of how daily life in that time was.  I love the fact that discoveries are still taking place in this area.
8. The Pocanos, PA: The Pocanos are a mountainous region in Pennsylvania.  I’ve been to several different areas of the Pocanos and they are beautiful - incredibly beautiful.  I love the waterfalls, the mountains, the greenery, the animal life…
9. Key West, FL: I had a great time visiting the Keys when I was growing up.  If you like sun, sand, and water - hey, this is the place for you.  I imagine the bar scene is fun as well, but I haven’t been back since I was old enough to drink.  I recommend going, if you can get into a place to stay, just for the beauty of the place.  The sunsets are incredible.
10. Nags Head, NC: A lovely place, and another nice place for beaches.
11. Duck, NC: Similar to Nags Head - good for beaches, peace and quiet, etc.

Well, this week’s 13 is incomplete - I cannot think of two more places that I’ve visited.  I’ll keep thinking, but I figured I was close enough to include it in the Thursday 13.

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Is doing better, apparently.  She has occasional “seizures” (for lack of a better word).  And they are coming less frequently.  My parents have been here since Sunday - and that has been an incredible comfort.

This week we are going to have our daughter tested.  She will be having an EEG - sigh.  The stress is unbelievable.

13 Things I’m Grateful For

1. I am grateful for my beautiful, loving children.
2. I am grateful for the support and encouragement of my family.
3. I am grateful to have had a wonderful life here.
4. I am grateful for good health.
5. I am grateful for good night’s sleep - when I can get one!
6. I am grateful for beautiful spring days.
7. I am grateful for a hair stylist that does a wonderful job.
8. I am grateful for my life.
9. I am grateful for time to unwind in the evening.
10. I am grateful for a new perspective on what’s important - and what really isn’t.
11. I am grateful for my friends who have really shown me they care.
12. I am grateful for cars that are functional - even if they are old.
13. I am grateful for meals that I haven’t had to cook this week.

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You know, I’m really, really, REALLY tired of ERs.  No offense to the folks who work there - the people I talked to last night/this morning were great.  I’m just tired of being there in the wee hours.  I made a run to the ER last night with our sweet daughter at 9:30 last night and was there until 3:30 this morning.  Sigh.  She has had multiple “seizure-like” episodes this week, once a day until yesterday when she had THREE.

Our daughter (10 months as of two days ago) seems to be doing ok this morning.  My husband says that she hasn’t had any episodes this morning, which is good.  She’s calm and resting a bit on the floor right now.

Our son (2-1/2) is, thankfully, oblivious of all of this.  He slept through all the excitement and life is going on as normal for him.  Yay for normalcy!

I feel like I’ve been run over.  I was in bed around 4, then back up around 5 to feed little miss, then back in bed.  Ah well… this too shall pass.  She has an appointment tomorrow at 11 am with a pediatric neurologist and we’ re ALL hoping to know something more after that.