What a week…basically, our entire house is miserable.  I guess that is usually the way it is, but this is particularly bad.  I have bronchitis and swine flu (possibly), my husband has swine flu (possibly), my daughter has a very bad cold, my son has a cough…and my uncle died today.

If things like this don’t make you want to just curl up in bed and pull the covers over your head, I don’t know what will.

I really dream of feeling normal again…lol, whatever that might actually be.  Seems like this has lasted forever, even though it is just a week now since it started for my husband.  I know this will pass, and really fairly quickly, given the medicine we’ve been given, but it sure doesn’t feel like it when you are going through it.  I will say that I am much for grateful for small things like clean laundry, peace and quiet, a good nap…

Well, it has been a long time since I’ve written anything here.  I am seriously hoping to change that for a variety of reasons that I’ll get into eventually…but not right now.

I’ve got two children, a four-year-old and a two-year-old.  They are almost exactly two years apart.  Our son is the oldest; he’s smart as a whip, but speech delayed.  Our daughter is the baby; she’s also speech delayed and she has seizures.  We’ve been through a lot with both, trying to get them caught up and to determine what’s going on with our daughter’s health.

Our son has been in special education for a while now; this is his second year.  He’s now talking up a storm and is really coming along very, very well.  His teacher is now preparing him to go to non-special education kindergarten next year.  We are so thrilled to see how well he is doing!

Our daughter is also doing very well – she has physical, occupational, and speech therapies (each one once a week) and is walking better, paying more attention to people and things around her, and so forth.  She also attends a preschool program at a local church.  We are working on the process to get her into the same school program that has helped her brother so much, but as with any agency like a public school, there is tons of paperwork, meetings/evaluations/hoops…etc.  We think she’s going to start in January…

She continues to have seizures.  In fact, they’ve increased recently, which is disturbing to say the least.   Her doctors are now taking her off one medication and trying another.  I just hope tht it helps her and that she doesn’t suffer from any of the major side effects; the last drug made her incredibly hyperactive, which affected her ability to work with the therapists, focus in preschool, or pay any attention to anyone.  It also seems to have dampened her emotional response to things, because now that she is being weaned off of it, she giggles more and responds more normally emotionally overall.

All in all, things are looking up all around.  I want more answers in terms of my daughter’s health, but I am learning to be grateful for smaller things as they come…

Well, I think the emotional upheaval I’ve been going through recently is actually not abnormal, nor is it a sign that I’m losing my mind – no, really!

I think three years of being on an antidepressant then coming off of it has been catching up with me and I am simply having to adjust to being off the medicine.  Yes, I went off of it carefully and deliberately and yes, that was definitely the right decision.  I am apparently just completely unused to FEELING just about EVERYTHING.

I’m doing much better now and things seem to be settling out a bit.  I think that I am responding much more normally to things both good and bad now; we shall see if that lasts! (lol – family visit coming up in a day and a half!)

And I think I’ve figured out why.  Now that things are improving in our lives in different ways, I think the three years of really intense stress and loss is catching up with me.  I think my body is finally making me pay for bottling things up, for pushing my fear and hurt and emotion aside to do what had to be done.  At least I know what’s going on now.

Now to figure out how to deal with it, let it out, and still manage to get things done.  After all, work and life aren’t going to stop while I fall apart!

I’m grateful for friends who love me.

I’m grateful for peace and quiet.

I’m grateful for good books and time at night to read them.

I’m grateful for a chance to “catch up” on my sleep.

I’m grateful for a weekend away – and for my own place.

Well my daughter has started a second medicine – Topamax – and at first it seemed to result in MORE seizures, but now that the dosage has increased, she seems to have adjusted and the seizures are less frequent and less…obvious.  She’s doing really well now – well, she’s acting more like a typical 2-year-old, which I guess you could say is both GREAT and …well, trying.  LOL.

We are really, really pleased at her progress and her brother’s – he just got out of his first year of school and he won an award for “Academic Excellence”!

All in all, things seem to be moving in the right direction…after a long, long struggle!

Well, as of 6/7, Alex is a big, “old” 4-year-old (ok, to him, old is dirty, but you get the meaning…).

On 6/11, Miss Sophie will be 2…sigh…I remember when I could hold and love on both of them…not so much these days.

Sophie had an appointment with the neurologist today. Her sleeping EEG isn’t as good as the doctor would like, but waking is almost normal! YAY! So, she will be starting another medicine day after tomorrow that the doctor says may make the seizures STOP…

I cannot begin to tell you what that would mean to me. Words fail me.

She had lots of seizures this past week…the idea that something could make them stop is unbelievable.

I cannot begin to put into words what this journey is like. I know some of you who read this will understand…but it is unreal.

Well, here goes another attempt at this.  I really let this blog slide.  SO much for my initial goals/hopes/etc.

At any rate, I am feeling much more motivated these days so I am determined to try again.  I have stopped taking my antidepressants – this is the second time I’ve done so, but this time, I actually feel better WITHOUT them!  Yay!  I’m clearer, more connected to people around me, and less suicidal!  All good things, I must say.  I think it was time to stop.

I’m exercising again and generally trying to get more rest.  I’m eating better and doing a better job caring for myself.  Yes, I do get caught up in computer games, some days more than I should, but I’m also doing the housework more frequently, cooking more, and just doing a better job of managing my life.  I hope I’ve stumbled back on the right path, after being off of it for so very long.

What a weekend…the second in a row.  The majority of childcare, housecare, etc.  On top of insurance worries, behavioral issues and the like.

Can I be someone else now?  Please?

I’m doing the best I can but it feels so futile some times.  My three-year-old has behavioral issues with school – and at home – and its exhausting.  My one-and-a-half yearold has seizures and health issues.

I have done my best to keep my head above waters, but I’m so tired.

I’m just so tired.  I had a massage this weekend courtesy of a coworker of my husband’s – and half an hour later I was back where I was before I started.  Sigh.

I suspect I’m really about to “be me”. I’m headed to therapy – well, at least an initial visit – on Monday.

I wonder what I will find out…and whether it will help.