I will do all of those things, no matter how difficult they are for me.  I really don’t do well asking for help, for a number of reasons.  I realize now that the diagnosis we got for our daughter has really just wiped me out and I need help facing the future and preparing better for our future and hers.  I CAN be the wonderful, loving mother and strong advocate she needs (and a wonderful, loving mother to her brother as well)…I just need to prepare for it.

And she STILL screams when a doctor tries to take her blood pressure.  Or approach with a needle.  Or do ANYTHING that she things is a gross personal invasion…sigh.

Unfortunately, with Lennox-Gastaut Syndrome, she has a lifetime of these sorts of experiences to look forward to; I may just quietly go mad, if nobody minds.

Sigh.

I really don’t know why, but I have been in a funk, or a rut, or something along those lines, for quite some time.  Everybody has down periods and the like, but it has really been difficult for me to get motivated.

At any rate, I am trying now to pull myself out of this.  I am trying to take better care of myself – eating better, getting more exercise, and trying to pay attention to what my body is telling me.

I am trying to take better care of myself mentally – by reading, writing, and focusing on goals, like posting articles on a blog that I keep.  I have gotten good feedback in the past and I really think I should keep going and grow my blog and see where it goes.  I am trying to read more, both for fun and to broaden my horizons.  I want to expose myself to new ideas and keep growing, not just muddle about with  my long-held opinions.  You never know what you might learn, if you just open yourself up to the possibilities.

I am trying to take better care of myself emotionally as well.  I have a dear friend and I try to talk to him regularly, to check in and let him know how I am doing and what I’m thinking about.  I also check in on him, to make sure he’s doing well.  Reaching out is really helping me – it is helping me see past my own issues and to celebrate others’ successes and good times as well.  He’s teaching me a lot about how to truly be friend, how to truly listen, and so much more.

I have good days.  I have ok days.  I have really awful days.  But for the most part, I can handle all of it.  I have just realized that it is ok to say, I need a break.  I need a minute (or 15) to gather myself, to regroup, to take some deep breaths … so that I can deal with the problem at the moment.

I don’t have to handle everything perfectly, but I do really need to remember (a) that I can ask for people and (b) there are people around me that really WANT to help but need me to say that I need help.  They aren’t mind readers any more than I am.

Dare I say that I am tired…oh so tired? Sigh.

Really?  You need all three of us?  To watch you sit on the computer?  Sigh.  There is NO rational answer to this.

I am not sure which will drive me ’round the bend first – my husband insisting that we all stay home when he’s sick or my daughter (4, but more like 18 months in a four-year-old’s body) climbing on EVERYTHING…

Overall I feel good about a number of steps I have taken. I am drinking less. Still more than I should perhaps at a sitting, but I have cut back. I am not drinking as often. I am journaling more. I am doing 750 things more. I am responding to online friends more – yes, I wish I had more “real life” friends but I like any friends I’ve made . I am crocheting more. I do wish I was sleeping more, but I think I may need a weekend out of town for that…lol, and naps and hugs too.

I am walking more. I am taking better care of myself, overall, though I still see some somewhat negative trends. I am working harder at work, though I still have a tendency to doze when trying to do audits. That is something I really need to fix, and I am not sure how to do it. I cannot really bear the thought of going to bed right after the kids every night. Surely that is not necessary. Sigh.

I do think I need to improve in some areas. Yes, I can still cut back on the drinking. I can exercise more – I’ve slacked off a bit recently in the walking due to humidity/heat. I can focus more on the kids and work harder on exercises for them. I can cook more for all of us. I can research Lennox-Gastaut Syndrome and make myself as much of an expert as I can be.

I can truly become an advocate for both of my children and learn to be a better mother. I can seek counselling and become a better me. But I can continue to work on not beating myself up on my failings. I think I am getting better at that.

I can give myself treats and pamper myself from time to time. It is perfectly acceptable to take care of myself so that I can take care of others.

I can seek ways to get Andy and I out of the morass that we find ourselves in. I can help us find our way to a better family life, even given the circumstances. I can reach out to family, if I decide that that is what I want.

I can sleep more – go to bed earlier – give up silly wastes of time. Some relaxation is a good thing, too much is not!

I can recognize when I have past the bounds of reasonableness and get up and do what needs to get done.

I can write out what stresses me.

I can write letters to my children for the future, so they can see the progress they’ve made and how proud I am of them. Sigh I have already missed a few years, despite my best intentions. This would be a great gift at some point – for them, or for me, or for both.

I can start working on new picture albums for Christmas – no doubt the grandparents would enjoy that and so would I.

I can really learn to be a great friend – I have a great teacher.

I can continue to write this way – it is a great brain drain and a great motivator and a great source of ideas.

I can write. I can teach my children a love of reading. I can teach them a love of nature. I can teach them and show them gentleness.

I can remember Pop and Grandmother and focus on what they meant to me – and try to pass that on.

I can advocate for those who cannot advocate for themselves.

I can stand firm, stand strong, and stand for what I believe in – and let go the issues with my family.

I can be the better person in certain family situations.

I can stand up for my children, even with their grandparents, and express my concerns in certain situations – long family story.

I can do what I need to do for my children, and face my personal aftermath on my own. I owe that to my children. They need my “Mama Bear” protection, regardless of my own personal issues.

Such a good start to the weekend. I feel better than I have in a long, long time. Productivity feels good – and I think for me, being unproductive is a sign that I’m struggling. No, I don’t have to be productive all the time – there are certainly appropriate times to be unproductive. However, I’ve noticed that when I go through a long period of it, I don’t feel right. I feel out of kilter, off balance, and generally unhappy. However, that could be the coffee talking!

What would I like to do today? Go for a walk at a park, doing nothing but focusing on the walk, my breathing, and the sounds of birds. I’d like to clean the house a bit and wash the rugs – goodness knows they need it. I’d like to finish these 750 words. I’d like to play with my children and give them baths. I’d like to have some fun in the midst of the work and productivity. I’d like to read for fun, read with my son, write, and crochet. I want to be creative. I want to play games. I’d like to spend time with a friend, but that doesn’t look like it will happen today.

I’m working on a wrap for a cousin who is fighting melanoma. It is a lovely, sunny shade of yellow. Normally, I really am not that into yellow but this is such a cheerful color. I hope that she will like it and use it. It is kind of a variation on a prayer shawl – a variation largely because I don’t belong to a church and won’t be having it blessed. I am, however, praying as I make it. I believe that is the core of the idea.

Other things going on: I am getting more rest overall and feeling better, despite the allergies. Unfortunately, in this area, those are unavoidable. Sophie is doing well overall. She is getting more and more expressive which is exciting. She lets us know when her brother has done something that upsets her in the normal fashion now: she cries. She didn’t used to do that – in case anyone wondered just how different our little princess is. She is learning a lot of things that so many of us take for granted. It is an amazing process – and some days it is depressing but I am trying to focus on the fact that she IS moving forward. This is a good thing, regardless of the position from which she is starting. Progress is progress! She’s also learning new tricks with her medicine…giving her her liquid one is quite a problem now. She saves it in her cheeks like a chipmunk and apparently can hold it in there for quite a while. I was fairly certain Wednesday that she had actually taken it, so I gave her some waffle, in preparation for the rest of her pills – when she let all of the liquid just pour out of her mouth. I suppose I should just be grateful she didn’t spit it on me…sigh. The thing is that I had actually held her head tilted back, pressed on her cheeks, tickled under her chin and other things that I thought would make her swallow…sigh. I’m afraid that she is quite creative when it comes to not taking medicine. We’re working on explaining how important that it is for her to take it, but obviously we’re not sure how much of that she understands. And of course, she doesn’t understand epilepsy at all. Sigh. It is quite an adventure.

On the bright side, we raised $630 dollars for the cause, which I think is quite good.  And there will be more coming because the company my husband and I work for, as well as another donor, does matching contributions so there will be an additional $150.  Not bad for a first attempt, I think.

Otherwise, everything is going fairly well.  My father and stepmother and stepbrother are in town for a visit, which is great.  They are finally getting to see in person how much our children have improved and grown.  And the kids are really getting some concentrated granddaddy-granny time, which was much needed.

I think things are settling down, as much as they can for us, right now.  The weather is improving, our children are improving, our jobs are good…I almost hate to put it in writing but I’m really not that superstitious.  I’m content at the moment and that is a very nice feeling.

As soon as I typed that I realized I need to regroup.  Life rarely turns out as you expect, so why moan about it?  I had fully expected and hoped to walk in the National Walk for Epilepsy this weekend, but two cases of bronchitis (mine and my husband’s) and my son’s strep throat and my daughter’s cold really indicated THIS is NOT the time.  Sigh.

Well…life is what happens while you are making plans…or so I’ve been told.

I hope that next year, my daughter – the one who actually has a rare form of epilepsy, will be able to walk with us and make it much more a family activity.  At any rate, I did at least raise $630 for the cause.  That is a good start, I think.