Sigh…just what I needed…

My computer died.

Well, it has been hijacked by Micro $oft.  Its a long story and it thoroughly annoys me so I’m not going to retell it right now – I’d like to be able to sleep soon!

Suffice it to say, my husband and I are sharing a computer – kind of.  It really doesn’t work well, since we don’t have much time as it is to spend on the computer.

I hope to get this cleared up soon, but heaven only knows if it is possible.  So, entries may be a bit sporadic.

I hate that.  I hate having outside forces force that on me.  Aargh.

I don’t like me very much right now…

I guess that gives me room to grow…apparently quite a lot of room, but hey.

I’m trying to focus on the positive and not so much on the negative, but life has been rough lately.  I’ve been struggling.  I always have thought that I was a strong person.  I’ve always thought that I could deal with anything.  But I’m having a hard time.  I’m having a hard time dealing with little things now.  I’m having a hard time focusing.

I’m starting to wonder if I’m capable of this; I always used to think that God wouldn’t give me more than I could bear, but now I wonder.  Realistically, I think I’m just tired and stressed.  I’m not eating like I should or taking care of myself properly overall.  I know that intellectually, but…I wonder if I can do this.

Sigh.  I’m sure that I’ll pull myself together and be fine later this week, but…

Well, I suppose this is my way of venting.  I don’t have close friends right now and I can’t really talk with the family…so I just need to let this out so it isn’t festering.

Living with others – a bit of venting

I’ve moved in with my parents-in-law.  It has been a week now.  My husband will be joining me (and our kids) but he’s getting our townhouse ready to sell.  This is an adventure.  I do love my parents-in-law, but I’ve never lived with anyone else – not since I was a teen.  As an adult, I’ve lived on my own or with my husband – that’s it.  This is going to be educational, I can already tell.

It doesn’t help that I’m tired.  That I’m worried about the way our lives are going.  That I have NO clue what I’m doing.  That I’m just trying to get a job, any job – in a field that I hate.  I just want to get on a better track and get on with trying to solve all of the issues going on right now.  Really, I suppose I need to slow down and take a problem or two at a time, not all of them at once.  Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed.

One thing I will say:  if someone has had their life crash about their ears, their children both have health issues, and their marriage is strained, telling them (a) it could be worse, (b) well, none of those things are life-threatening, or (c) I know someone with more problems … really, that doesn’t help.  I have begun to feel guilty for having a hard time dealing with my life right now.  That’s ridiculous.  The difficulties of others does not make my life less stressful, less difficult.  It doesn’t make it any easier to watch my daughter have seizures.  Yes, if it is epilepsy (which seems likely), there are drugs to manage it – but it doesn’t make it easier to watch an 11-month-old seize.  People around me lately have been telling me these things.  I know they mean well – I know that there ARE bigger problems in the world (look at China today, Mynamar, all the areas affected by tornados).  That doesn’t mean that the fact that (a) we are jobless, (b) we have two children with health issues, (c) the state has irritating red tape and operates at its own slow pace in terms of getting my children medical insurance, (d) I have NO home now – I have to live with my parents-in-law, and (e) I’m clinically depressed and have been for over a year now  – goes away.  Aargh.  And can I just add that pointing out how much other peoples’ lives suck is a terrible way to go about making someone feel better?

Ok.  I feel better.  I’ve vented a bit.  I know the people around me love me and are worried about me.  I think perhaps I need some time alone – just a little bit – to help regain my composure.  I’ll be fine.  I can do what I have to do and get on with my life.  I just hope that this doesn’t strain all sorts of family relationships in the process…