Being Me…

And I’m feeling…well, optimistic isn’t quite it.  I guess it is more like I’m feeling productive.  I submitted my resume for three jobs last night, I’ve got plans to continue the job search this week, I also have plans involving both children.  I feel like I’ve got purpose and direction this week.

I guess that that is really part of my problem lately.  I haven’t felt like I had any direction at all.  It is possible to give that to myself, I just have to work on it.  I’ve had a “to-do” list and I generally do an okay job of following it and checking things off, but perhaps I need to really focus on what needs to be done.  I need to motivate myself to get up and get moving.

It is easy to say that, to recognize the need for motivation.  How do you actually go about motivating yourself when you have no concrete schedule?  I guess I need to try making a concrete schedule.  Just because I don’t currently have one doesn’t mean that I can’t make one.  If I can just get up and moving and get started on the things that I need to do, I think I’d feel motivated and encouraged by seeing progress.

I think I’m going to start by trying to get up at the same time every day and go to bed at the same time.  Hopefully, that will regulate my sleep a bit and get my body back into a normal  rhythm and give me more energy.

Next, I am going to break down some of my projects and goals into smaller steps and work on them every day.  I think if I can start checking things off and see some progress, I will be encouraged to keep going.

Last, as I achieve the goals that I have, I’m going to reward myself.  The rewards may not be big and they may not involve spending money (or they may, depending) but I am sure that I can find something to reward myself with that will make me want to keep going.

I feel slightly silly working this out this way, but if it helps me get myself moving again, it can’t be bad.  I hope this works.  I really need to get motivated again.

I have been keeping a paper journal over the past month.  I’ve been writing in it mainly at night because that is when I have the most uninterrupted time.  My goal has been to keep it in the morning because I love to start the day with a little “me” time, and it helps me organize my thoughts for the day.  I don’t think that is going to work, but I did realize that since I type faster than I write, I might be able to blog each morning and perhaps this could serve the same purpose.  So…

As of today, I’m going to try to come up with one entry per morning.  Some may be complete “garbage” - if I can’t really come up with something even reasonably organized, if I’m just rambling about a lot of nonsense, or if I just think it is too personal.  Those days, I’m simply going to make the entry private.  Others that relate to the purpose of this goal or are more general, I’ll continue to post.

We shall see how this goes and if I can make time each morning.  I really need to get more organized with my time during the day.  I will have to do so if I get a job, but it would probably be good if I start the process before I get a job!

Well - time to make breakfast for my son!  The day is starting…

You know, I really don’t write for an audience.  I’m trying to get to know myself better…if any part of that journey is interesting to people (or helpful in any way), I’m glad, but I don’t honestly think (usually) about an audience.

I realized today that someone found my blog by searching for “how do I stand up for myself?”  That makes me a little sad.  It makes me wish that I could reach out to that person, to help that person.  Of course, then I realize I haven’t been particularly good at that myself.  I don’t know that I CAN help with that particular problem.

I like to think I am getting better about standing up for myself.  I have recently laid down some boundaries (or “rules”) for my family, since they seem to have issues with trying to run my life.  But it has taken time to get to the point that I could even THINK about doing this.  Time - and a fair bit of it.  Yes, better late than never - but that isn’t much comfort if my searcher above is a young adult.  And it wasn’t any comfort to me when I was a young adult, to think that maybe “I’ll get to that point SOME day, at some point in my life.”

All I can say is this, you need to respect yourself and your sanity at some point to let people know that their behavior is…inappropriate, hurtful, a problem.  You don’t have to be rude (well, not necessarily - with some people you DO have to be rude because they don’t hear anything else).  Generally speaking, you can start off by just stating the facts - and NOT accusing. I finally reached the point with my family that I had to ask them to back off a little because I was having trouble dealing with the added pressure.  They really didn’t realize what they were doing to me and have respected my request.

I don’t know why it took me so long, or so much pain, to make the request.  No one took it poorly (well, ok, my mother was rather put out - but you know what?  She got over it.).  It didn’t really hurt anybody - and the relief for me was incredible.  I wish that I had been stronger when I was younger.  I wish that I had been able to disagree more forcefully with those around me and stood  up for myself better when I was younger.  I could have avoided so much pain and suffering.

Well, I guess all that I’ve gone through has made me who I am today, so I can’t regret too much.  I like who I am for the most part.  And it does no good to look back and say, “What if…”.