Being Me…

I’m having a wonderful visit with family this weekend, really the first in a long while.  The last few visits have been marred by stress about dealing with my stepfather and my baby daughter not sleeping well.  This time things seem to have improved.

Well, I guess I should clarify.  The first night my daughter (8 months) slept about 8 hours total - not all in a row either.  My total sleep over the course of the night was about 5 hours (not in a row, unfortunately!).  Last night was a vast improvement, despite the fact that I was completely paranoid about the possibility of her waking up.  I actually got a good night of sleep!

As for my stepfather, this visit is improved because I’ve not been around him much.  Add that to the fact that for the first time in a very long time I’ve been free to visit with my mother alone (well, without him) and you’ve got the makings of a good visit.  It has been so wonderful to be able to freely talk with my mother and to see her freely enjoying time with her grandchildren.  It seems like most visits, my stepfather finds reasons to keep her away from them - not this time.  Yay!

It has been a relaxed visit, which has been good for me and my husband, as well as all of the family.  We’ve had wonderful home-cooked meals, rather than trying to rush around eating out or visiting a lot of folks over meals at restaurants.  It has been a slower pace and that has been great.  My husband has managed to get out two nights now to see friends (and his brother), which is great for him.

I am beginning to see that there are two things that I need more of in my life and both of them surprise me.  I need family visits more than I thought.  I’ve been pretty independent since I was in my late teens.  When my husband and I moved to the northern part of the state about 4 hours away from family, I never looked back.  I never experienced homesickness.  Now, I’m finding that I want a better relationship with my mother.  I want to see my aunts and uncles a bit more.  Maybe it is the fact that I’m a mother now.  I don’t know - but it is an interesting change after all these years.

The second thing that I’ve noticed that surprises me is that  I need to get out among people.  I am an introvert and generally speaking, I’m happy at home.  Working in offices stresses me and I used to go home and just try to shut out the world.  Well, I’ve been a homemaker for about 4 years now (also a college student for 3 of those years).  Since I stopped taking college classes, I’ve been pretty isolated.  I realize now that I do need contact with the outside world.  I’ve been out of classes for two semesters and I am ready to get back in touch with the world.  My friends and I are starting to get back together - for now, it is once a month - and it means more to me than I can say.  I think I’m going to put more effort into finding a play group or a Mom’s group to join.

Of course, I am trying to find a job.  When I get one, that will certainly change my contact with the world situation.  We shall see if I approach it differently now that I’ve been out of things for so long.

You know, I really don’t write for an audience.  I’m trying to get to know myself better…if any part of that journey is interesting to people (or helpful in any way), I’m glad, but I don’t honestly think (usually) about an audience.

I realized today that someone found my blog by searching for “how do I stand up for myself?”  That makes me a little sad.  It makes me wish that I could reach out to that person, to help that person.  Of course, then I realize I haven’t been particularly good at that myself.  I don’t know that I CAN help with that particular problem.

I like to think I am getting better about standing up for myself.  I have recently laid down some boundaries (or “rules”) for my family, since they seem to have issues with trying to run my life.  But it has taken time to get to the point that I could even THINK about doing this.  Time - and a fair bit of it.  Yes, better late than never - but that isn’t much comfort if my searcher above is a young adult.  And it wasn’t any comfort to me when I was a young adult, to think that maybe “I’ll get to that point SOME day, at some point in my life.”

All I can say is this, you need to respect yourself and your sanity at some point to let people know that their behavior is…inappropriate, hurtful, a problem.  You don’t have to be rude (well, not necessarily - with some people you DO have to be rude because they don’t hear anything else).  Generally speaking, you can start off by just stating the facts - and NOT accusing. I finally reached the point with my family that I had to ask them to back off a little because I was having trouble dealing with the added pressure.  They really didn’t realize what they were doing to me and have respected my request.

I don’t know why it took me so long, or so much pain, to make the request.  No one took it poorly (well, ok, my mother was rather put out - but you know what?  She got over it.).  It didn’t really hurt anybody - and the relief for me was incredible.  I wish that I had been stronger when I was younger.  I wish that I had been able to disagree more forcefully with those around me and stood  up for myself better when I was younger.  I could have avoided so much pain and suffering.

Well, I guess all that I’ve gone through has made me who I am today, so I can’t regret too much.  I like who I am for the most part.  And it does no good to look back and say, “What if…”.

Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that’s the stuff life is made of. Benjamin Franklin

I’m trying to use my time wisely, or at least as wisely as I can, but I still get to the end of the day and wonder where the time went.  I’ve got a two-year-old and a four-month-old, so a good portion of my day is spent feeding one or the other and changing diapers on one or the other, but there must be time in the day that I could use better.

I don’t want to waste this time that I’ve got with my children.  I don’t want to spend it on things that are unimportant when children change so very rapidly, but I do have to do a certain amount of work around the house.  I also need to do at least a few things for myself.  I definitely haven’t been doing that last one very well lately.  I need to learn to take a break for myself from time to time.  I want to cherish this time and I want to record it as best I can.  I want to remember these days later because babies are so precious.

I need to remember this quote more often and remind myself to cherish the moments I’ve got, to live in the moment and not rush through it, to recognize the importance of what is going on around me and not take my time on this earth lightly.  God has given me this life, a set amount of time, and I shouldn’t just throw it away.