Being Me…

But it is so hard. I’ve been trying to get back into keeping this blog going. I type faster than I write so it is easier for me to do this right now than keep a paper journal. Still, I keep having the life and energy sucked right out of me. Every time I think I’m getting back to a better state in life, something else happens to kick the feet right out from under me.

But, as my family keeps reminding me, it could always be worse. (Thanks for the thoughts, folks, belittling my problems doesn’t make it easier for me to live with them!)

Anyway, I may gripe a bit, but I’m going to try to keep this going. It is good for me to have a place to write, to vent, to complain. It is far better to get all of this out and release the grief, the pressure, the depression.

On a different note, I would love to know how I can be this tired and still not be able to get to sleep… I think my mind is just racing when I go to bed, but it doesn’t seem to be anything specific.  I suppose it is just the general stress of my life, but it is certainly TERRIBLY inconvenient.  My two small children will not care that I was up until 1 am this morning, when they wake up between 5:30 and 6:30 this morning.  Sigh.  What is going on … and how do I fix it?

For the past 3-4 nights, I’ve been really, really tired when I went to bed.  And yet, sleep took a long, long time to come.  That might not be so bad except for the fact that my daughter has woken up at 3:30, 4:30 and 5:30 am those mornings.  Sigh.  She did go back to sleep for a while the first two, but not so much that last night.

I don’t know what my problem is.  Yes, I have been staying up a bit later than I probably should have (this is the ONLY peace and quiet and “me” time I get) but why can’t I wind down?  What is keeping me tossing and turning?  I am going through stressful times right now, but some of the pressure has been eased.  I thought that would help with the sleep situation, but it seems to have gotten worse.

I’ve got to do something; I simply can’t go on at this rate.  Ugh.

I have failed many times, and that is why I am a success. Michael Jordan

This quote means quite a bit to me right now.  I know that my family and I really need to move back in with my parents-in-law right now; I understand that it is necessary.  However, it feels like such a tremendous failure, failure on a level I’ve not experienced before.  I’m trying to keep my head up and keep moving to get my life back on a semi-normal path, but this really stinks.

I appreciate the kindness and encouragement of my family, including my parents-in-law.  This is a huge adjustment to them as well and they are taking right in stride.  Still, I look forward to getting back into my own house again.

I’m looking at this quote from Michael Jordan and trying to use it to encourage myself.   If I can learn from this, and grow, than this experience won’t really be a failure.  It will have served its purpose.  Now, I just need to figure out what I can learn from what I’m going through now.