Being Me…

How can I  be this tired for a week and have trouble getting to sleep?  Why is my daughter (3 months old) suddenly waking every two to three hours at night to nurse again?  Will I ever sleep again?  Will I ever be able to just let my family’s words roll off my back?

I think the insomnia started big-time when I talked to my father and he started asking about our situation again, including personal finance questions.  He started hinting that maybe I needed to get a job or do something about the situation.  This despite the fact that I’ve told him I’m doing everything I can at the moment, including dealing with depression (both related to the situation and post-partum).  I swear no one in my family listens to a word I say.  I’ve had insomnia problems before but this is awful.  Just about the time I DO manage to get to sleep, my daughter wakes up and wants to nurse…not every night, but often enough I’m not getting anywhere near the sleep I need - and not enough to feel rested.  I know this will pass, but I have to wonder if I’ve got the reserves to make it through this.  Sigh.

(As a side note, I do have to say that I like this blog.  I’m venting on all sorts of subjects that I have no other outlet for right now - it feels great to get it all out!) 

I realized that I have gotten out of my routine lately.  Sometimes that is a good thing - like vacations, retreats, treats for yourself and your family, etc. - but sometimes that isn’t so good.  I’ve not been getting as much exercise as I should and I certainly haven’t been eating like I should.  Frankly, I’ve been too tired the last week or so to really care about those things.  However, I think that’s been contributing to my state of mind and stressing about various things.

Today, I went for a long walk with my infant in a sling and my toddler in the stroller - it was almost an hour long.  I feel good; I can feel that I’ve exercised today and that is a nice feeling.  I got to see a hawk; it was chasing a dove, but that’s nature for you.  I had peace and quiet - just chirping birds and the buzz of some bugs.  It was lovely.  I didn’t worry about my family, my situation, or anything else.  I just listened to the world around me.

I also had quiet time last night.  I went into our bedroom, shut the door, and listened to music that I haven’t had a chance to listen to in weeks.  I don’t know why I don’t do this in the evening more often.  I should spend less time on the computer and more time listening to music.  It was fantastic.  I came back downstairs to spend time with my husband after about 45 minutes and the rest of the evening was wonderful as well.  I’ve got to remember that it is OK to spend time alone, not working and not taking care of someone else!

This won’t be a long post because my daughter is fussy.  You see, she had her two-month checkup today and they gave her five (yes five) shots.  She’s been a bit cranky all day, and who can blame her?  She has gotten into a nice, comfortable routine, which does NOT include being poked, prodded, and then stuck, thank you very much.

Consequently, it has been a challenging day for me as well.  I’d get her to sleep for a few minutes after nursing, and think I could do something else that needed doing…then she’d wake up screaming.  Of course, I comforted her.   Here’s hoping for a better day tomorrow.  (Poor thing, but it is for the best to get the shots, of course!)