Being Me…

I love my family.  Don’t get me wrong.  It is just that right now they all seem to be out to make sure I’m depressed…or insane.  Whichever, apparently.  Three days ago, my mother, in what should have been a simple, friendly conversation, calmly said something to me almost as an aside, that plunged me deep, deep, deep back into the depression that I thought I was working my way out of.  I’m back on medication and I’m no longer feeling like jumping off the nearest bridge.  (Can I just point out that if she thought she was helping, that is help that I can do completely without thankyouverymuch!)

Tonight my father called.  He means well and most of the time our conversations are ok.  Most of the time - notice that phrase.  Tonight he again assumed that my son (our oldest) is autistic.  He calmly told me that there is disability thing for Social Security for autism.  He thought that would help us out.  I paused.  This is not the first time that he’s mentioned autism and our son in the same breath.  This is also not the first time I’ve told him that our son has not been diagnosed as autistic and that i see no qualities in him (nor do his doctors) that indicate autism.  I’ve got enough going on right now with my seizure-suffering daughter without him adding this.   I’m just speechless.

Right now I have no desire to speak to either of my parents.  And I’m living with my parent’s-in-law and that has its own set of issues.  I’m going to be stark raving mad by the time we get through all of this crap, aren’t I?

5/12/08

• 4:05 am - typical night-time episode complete with loud scream. Passed quickly though - within 5 minutes she was calm and back in bed.
• 8:20+ - a few head jerks
• Afternoon - head jerks, no screaming, passed very quickly

5/13/08

• 6:24 am - screamed, a head-jerk, then it was over and she calmed down and went to sleep.
• 7:35 am - a head-jerk or two, then it was over. She leaned against me for a few minutes then wanted down to play.

5/16/08

• Today was pretty good - there were a few episodes but they were all over quickly.
• 7:57 pm - a more typical night seizure; she screamed loudly and her head jerked forward four or five times.  By 4 after 8, she was asleep again.

I have a hard time with this day every year.  You’d think I’d find a way to let go of my issues, adjust my thinking, or whatever.  You see, I have a son who will be 3 in June and a daughter who will be 1 in June.  Yet, the cookies that my mother-in-law gave me today “from the kids” were the first Mother’s Day present I’ve received.  It isn’t that I expect diamonds and a tiara; all I’d like and all I’ve wanted since I found out I was pregnant with both children is recognition of the work that I do to nurture and raise and protect these children.  I thought my husband would take care of providing this while my children were babies; he says I’m not his mother so he’s not buying me a present.  The presents won’t come until the children are big enough to pick them out themselves.  To me that doesn’t make much sense; he may as well wait until they can pay for them themselves as well.  So…what we’ve come to is doing it way and not celebrating Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Every year, I get cards from each of my parents, my parents-in-law, my sister, my sister-in-law, etc.  Each year it reminds me that my husband won’t take the time to pick up a carnation or two, make me some cookies, make me breakfast, or just tell me I’m a good mother.  Not a thing.  I realize that we see this two different ways, but considering this is a day for me, it does seem like he could do things my way for Mother’s Day.  If he doesn’t want me to make a fuss for Father’s Day, by all means, I can do that.

Well, this day of irritation and hurt is almost over again for another year.  I really need to just accept this is the way it is and let go of the hurt.  We’ve talked about this since before our son was born and he doesn’t see my point of view.  He is a good man otherwise so I really can’t complain but I hate having a day feeling like this and spending it surrounded by people celebrating and being happy and so forth.  I hate it when people ask me about my mother’s day because I have to say “We don’t celebrate that.”  The looks I get are certainly odd.  I guess that  I will work out something.  Maybe venting here will be enough to work this out of my system.  God knows that there are much more serious problems out there than my feelings being hurt.   I do realize that - really.  It is just so unusual for my husband and I to be at such odds on a subject.  For him to really completely miss my point.  For him to completely miss how important this was to me and how much it bothers me.

Ok.  This is my vent post.  This is my getting my thoughts, my hurt, my irritation, my puzzlement out of my system.  Tomorrow is another day and I will move on and take care of the serious issues in my life.