Being Me…

5/12/08

• 4:05 am - typical night-time episode complete with loud scream. Passed quickly though - within 5 minutes she was calm and back in bed.
• 8:20+ - a few head jerks
• Afternoon - head jerks, no screaming, passed very quickly

5/13/08

• 6:24 am - screamed, a head-jerk, then it was over and she calmed down and went to sleep.
• 7:35 am - a head-jerk or two, then it was over.  She leaned against me for a few minutes then wanted down to play.

I have a hard time with this day every year.  You’d think I’d find a way to let go of my issues, adjust my thinking, or whatever.  You see, I have a son who will be 3 in June and a daughter who will be 1 in June.  Yet, the cookies that my mother-in-law gave me today “from the kids” were the first Mother’s Day present I’ve received.  It isn’t that I expect diamonds and a tiara; all I’d like and all I’ve wanted since I found out I was pregnant with both children is recognition of the work that I do to nurture and raise and protect these children.  I thought my husband would take care of providing this while my children were babies; he says I’m not his mother so he’s not buying me a present.  The presents won’t come until the children are big enough to pick them out themselves.  To me that doesn’t make much sense; he may as well wait until they can pay for them themselves as well.  So…what we’ve come to is doing it way and not celebrating Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Every year, I get cards from each of my parents, my parents-in-law, my sister, my sister-in-law, etc.  Each year it reminds me that my husband won’t take the time to pick up a carnation or two, make me some cookies, make me breakfast, or just tell me I’m a good mother.  Not a thing.  I realize that we see this two different ways, but considering this is a day for me, it does seem like he could do things my way for Mother’s Day.  If he doesn’t want me to make a fuss for Father’s Day, by all means, I can do that.

Well, this day of irritation and hurt is almost over again for another year.  I really need to just accept this is the way it is and let go of the hurt.  We’ve talked about this since before our son was born and he doesn’t see my point of view.  He is a good man otherwise so I really can’t complain but I hate having a day feeling like this and spending it surrounded by people celebrating and being happy and so forth.  I hate it when people ask me about my mother’s day because I have to say “We don’t celebrate that.”  The looks I get are certainly odd.  I guess that  I will work out something.  Maybe venting here will be enough to work this out of my system.  God knows that there are much more serious problems out there than my feelings being hurt.   I do realize that - really.  It is just so unusual for my husband and I to be at such odds on a subject.  For him to really completely miss my point.  For him to completely miss how important this was to me and how much it bothers me.

Ok.  This is my vent post.  This is my getting my thoughts, my hurt, my irritation, my puzzlement out of my system.  Tomorrow is another day and I will move on and take care of the serious issues in my life.

And I can feel it.  I’m in the midst of a move, health issues with my daughter, development issues with my son, financial struggles, the search for work, the search for health insurance…and I’ve had this on a back burner.  (Go figure…how many FRONT burners does one person have?)

But I can feel it.  I feel better when I write, journal, whatever - whether it is actually written or typed.  I feel better if I take some time during the day to write out what I need to remember, what is worrying me, what I need to do or take care of, plan things out, or simply vent.  I really need to do this right now - surely 5-10-15 minutes a day is doable.